365 Days Of Me: January 19, 20, 21 -- Three Memory Slices

These are three stories and or ramblings that I have in my head, and they are told in no particular order and with no real theme.  In some cases, they are just streams of consciousness.  These are memories and thoughts that are a part of me, and after The Retreat, I needed just to put some stuff down and get them out of my head. 

I might expand on them at some point, who knows.  But I started them at different times, and I finished them just now.  I consider them three days worth because I need to get caught up, and they really are separate.

Anyhoo, I'll stop rambling now.  No, wait, no I won't. 

1.  "You keep staring at my boobs.  I didn't think you were into that sort of thing."

The truth was, I wasn't staring at her boobs. They were staring at me.  They were two suspended breasts that commanded attention, mostly because they were just so full looking that they looked like they could blow at any minute.  Any signs of swelling or sounds of skin being pushed beyond their limit, and I was going to run for the hills.

"Sorry." I said awkwardly, having just realized that I was indeed staring.  

"Are you sure you're gay?" she said, a small smile creeping on the corner of her mouth.

I looked her in the eyes and said, "Yes, I'm sure."

She grunted, as if she wasn't completely convinced then said, "All I'm saying is that I don't understand the whole gay thing at all.  I mean, don't you want to be normal?"

This was coming from a woman that not only had large breasts, but also stood taller than many of the men she encountered, despite the fact that she hated wearing high heels because, along with the huge breasts, it was murder on her back.

If I were a braver man, I would have pointed out this irony, but considering that she could easily sideswipe me into a concussion with one of her breasts, I reconsidered it.

"I am normal." I said.

"Well," she said, "not really if you think about it.  If it were normal, why aren't there more gay people around?"

Being a good natured woman, I took what she was saying to me with a grain of salt.  We had met the day before, when I arrived at my new job.  She was my trainer, and we clicked immediately.  I thought for certain that she wouldn't have much of a problem with me being gay, but I was wrong.  However, it didn't seem that she disliked me because of it, or even that she had a problem at all with it.  

"Well, that just makes us more special," I said, picking at my lunch as we sat in the food court of a mall near where we worked, "like an albino snake or a blood diamond."

She grunted again, and took a bite of her chinese food.  While she chewed, I decided to gather some offense in this conversation.

"Look, I didn't ask to be gay, no more than I asked to be black, or brown eyed, or left handed.  I never wished to be anything other than those things, because quite frankly, it isn't a problem for me." I said.

She continued to chew, and she nodded her head, but I couldn't tell if it was because she agreed with me, or she was acknowledging that she understood.

After a moment, she said, "Do you always feel the need to tell people about it?"

I smiled, and said, "Only when it comes up in conversations.  Let's face it, when two people are having a friendly conversation, the topic of relationships always comes up."

"Not always," she said, frowning as if she didn't entirely believe it.

"Yes," I said, picking up a fork of cajun rice, "always."

She thought for a second and said, "Fine, prove it."

"I don't have to," I said, just after sipping from my large cup of Pepsi, "just pay attention to conversations you have, and you'll know what I'm talking about."

She shook her head and said, "I'm telling you, you're wrong."

Meanwhile, all around us, men and women held hands, children called out to their parents, and somewhere in the mall, a lovely couple was picking out wedding rings for their upcoming nuptials.  

2.  There are only a few things more terrifying to me than holding a child.

When they are newborns, they feel so fragile that it makes it impossible to move without feeling anxious about it.  Anytime I have ever held a newborn baby, I would be ready to hand the child back after just a few seconds.  

I'm always told that I"ll get used to it, and I usually respond that I doubted that very much.

When kids are newborn, I don't want to hold them because they are fragile and new.  After that, I don't want to hold them because they have orifices that shoot things. I don't carry around a change of clothes, and I don't want to walk around explaining to people that I'm not entirely sure what the stain on my shirt was, but I didn't want to talk about it.

I've been told I'm great with kids, and I have to amend that with, "Only at a distance."  A lot of people assume that I'm joking, but there is truth to it.  I get close to a child, and I get anxious, and they immediately scan to see which part of my clothing would show off the most embarrassing stains.

They are like pigeons in that regard, and I never let the innocent act fool me.

Still, I do understand that they are little, they don't know any better, and they contain twice their weight in projectile fluids.  I have found that holding a volatile child at arm's length can prevent my becoming a target by 95 percent, my shoes being the rare exception. 

But if there is anything I truly can't deal with is the ear piercing shrieking for no apparent reason.  What's worse, the indifference of their parents when it goes on for longer than 5 seconds.

My sister tells me that it is a defense mechanism, one that is put into every parent's psyche to keep from committing murder on their children.  This I can understand.  Evolution is funny like that.  

But I think that parents who refuse to even attempt to calm their unruly children down should be ticketed or something.  I'm not saying that they should slip Nyquil into their childrens smoothie or anything, but for cryin' out loud, give the kid some candy or a superpretzel.  They may get fat, but when they do, they will get to winded to scream.  

After their screaming phase, then they have the rebellious phase, their moody phase, their quiet phase (my favorite), and then they are 18, and are convinced that they know everything.  I'm 36 and I don't know everything, and the day I figured that out was when married a man who has taught me that if I *did* know everything, I have forgotten most of it.

3.  He called his wife Piggy, and he slept around regularly.  This was a shock to me because I looked up to him, but what shocked me even more was that Diane didn't seem to mind at all.

I was working at a pizza restaurant, where Jeff was an assistant manager.  I was 16 and it was my second job, and the first where I was treated as an adult.  

On my first day, Jeff asked me if I was a virgin, and I told him, "Sorta."

"Sorta?!?" he responded as he stood next to me while I tried to scrape melted cheese off the plates I was washing.  

"Yeah," I said, "sorta." I felt that my tone was a bit defensive, but in that situation, I felt that I had every right to be.

"Fair enough." he said, and then he said, "was she hot?"

I didn't answer.  I had lost my first job because I was black, and I wasn't about to be fired from this one for being gay.  But, I wasn't going to lie either.

"Well," he said, leaning against the stainless steel sink, "just a handjob, right?  Or did you go off before you even had a chance to get close to her?"

I wasn't uncomfortable because of the conversation because of the subject, but because of the silence I was forcing upon myself.

When I didn't answer that question either, he just slapped me on the back and said, "I like ya, Bill.  You're weird like me."

I looked at him then, smiling.

---

A couple of weeks later, after the restaurant closed, Jeff and the owner of that restaurant decided that after closing, they would smoke a joint and have a beer.  I was offered to join them, but I couldn't partake, that not that I would.  

I was glad to be invited to something so adult, and I called home to let them know I was working late.  Mom was almost asleep when I called her, but she sounded proud that I was working so hard.  After hearing me tell the lie, the owner said, "Keep this whole thing to yourself, and you can clock out when you leave, not just when we close."

After the last customer left, Jeff and the Owner went into the back room and did exactly as they said they would. It was my first time exposed to anyone smoking pot, but it was never something that beckoned for me to try.

They each had a large frosted mug full of beer, something else I had no desire to try.  They passed the joint back and forth and talked about Jeff's favorite subject, women.

"You still banging that one girl that used to work here?" the Owner asked after a brief coughing spell.  While he waited for answer since Jeff was puffing, he took a sip of beer.

After exhaling, Jeff said, "Nah, it isn't the same when I'm allowed to." 

The Owner smiled and said, "Do you have any idea how fired you should be by now?"

Jeff laughed and said, "Probably as fired as I should be divorced!"

As Jeff passed the joint back to the Owner, they genuinely laughed for the first time.

Once they started to giggle, I started to laugh too.  But that grew old after a while, so I excused myself, clocked out, and went home.

---

I was invited to go with Jeff and his wife Diane to go out onto a lake to go Tubing.  I wasn't sure what it was, but I thought it was cool that I was invited.  Mom was a bit apprehensive about it, but Jeff personally assure her over the phone that he and his wife were two very responsible adults who would take care of me as if I were their child.

As it turned out, Diane took care of me like that.  Jeff could have easily gotten me killed several times on that goddamn tube.  

The boat he had borrowed wasn't made for speed, but that didn't stop Jeff from attempting to breach the sound barrier in it, especially when I was on the tube that was being tugged behind it.  I sat in the tube, my butt sinking down into the water, trying to find something to hold onto.  Of course, there wasn't anything, and I spent more time in the water than on the tube.  Once, however, I was able to hold on for a brief amount of time but not before taking an inhuman amount of water right up my ass as it skimmed the water at a high speed.  Then, there was a wave and I was airborne, shooting water like a water bottle rocket.  

Having enough humiliation for one day, I climbed back into the boat, and we went to a diner that was lakeside.  After we got some food, Jeff left to "take care of something", leaving his wife and me alone.

After some small talk, I said, "Does it hurt when he calls you Piggy?"

"No." she said, smiling patiently.

"Why does he call you that?" I asked.

She sat back and said, "He's been calling me that since the day we got married."

I frowned and said, "Why would..."

She said, "You are really too young to know that."

I felt my face burn in embarrassment, combined with a little bit of anger.  I hated being treated like a child.

She was so nice to me, I almost told her about the night Jeff and the Owner smoked pot and drank in the back of the store.  I thought she deserved to know the things that her husband says.  In the end, I decided not to.  

And I'm very glad that I didn't.

After a few more minutes, Diane said, "Do any of his girlfriends ever come to the restaurant?  I'm not allowed in there, so I don't know."

I almost choked on a french fry when she said this, and I shook my head not realizing that I had just truthfully answered her question, and also confirmed that yes, Jeff had ladies on the side.

She sighed and said, "Well, that's good at least."

Jeff came back soon after that, and I remained quiet as I watched them interact with each other.  They weren't like the couples I saw all the time that were either too into each other, or refused to acknowledged their existence.  They simply were, and in that they seemed genuinely happy.  I wasn't sure if Jeff knew that Diane was aware of his indiscretions, but it didn't seem to matter.  It wasn't my business so I didn't dwell on it.

It wasn't until a few weeks later, after I had been promoted from doing the dishes to working on the the pizza assembly line, that I discovered that Piggy wasn't very responsive between the sheets, and that was the reason why she didn't mind where Jeff dipped his noodle.

Jeff had the day off, so the owner and I were able to discuss things openly.  It was a quiet night, and we had sent the new dishwasher home since I didn't mind doing them when it got really slow.

"You see," the Owner said, "marriage isn't just an institution, but an arrangement, and no two marriages are the same.  Back when I was married, my wife made it clear that she was the only one I was allowed to fuck.  So, I figured that I just had to work harder at her not finding out.  Turns out, she was the one cheating, and I got rid of her.  

I think Jeff and Diane will be married forever. She can't have kids, and he gets to do whatever he wants, so there isn't anything there to fuck up the marriage.  I envy that."

Just then, the phone rang with an order.  The owner took the order, which was a simple one, so I made and excuse to go back to the sink, where I could get lost in my thoughts.

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way

365 Days Of Me: January 18 -- The Retreat (Part Six)

(THE BURDEN OF THE TRUTH)

"You ever skip stones?"

Gregory stood by the lake, eyes puffy from crying and his hands stuffed in his pockets, and asked this question without looking at me.  When we had arrived at the clearing, I had assumed we would talk as he requested, not skip stones. But, knowing that Gregory was already upset, I didn't press him.

"No." I responded.

Gregory looked down at the place where the water met the dirt and said, "There's a trick to it, really.  Some of it is how you throw, but that doesn't matter unless the rock is flat."  He got awkwardly got down on one knee and began searching the ground.

 I got down and searched with him, but as I did, I said, "I thought you needed to talk to me." 

"I don't know if I can." he said, still searching.  

I stopped searching and sat down, feet crossed, knees up, elbows on knees.  I sighed in exasperation, only because I knew what he wanted to tell me and I didn't like to play games.

Gregory found a rock, but I couldn't see how flat it was.  He stood up, and said, "You have to throw it so it spins sideways.  That's how it skips on the water."

He pulled his arm back horizontally and threw the rock.  Two skips.

"Shit." he said and I started at his vulgarity.  This was the same Gregory that once held my hands when he prayed over his food and offered his bible to me to read instead of Stephen King.  Now he stood here, swearing over the fact that the rock that he threw only skipped twice.  

He sat down facing me, and put his face in his hands.  I thought he was going to cry, but instead he just breathed in and out, slowly and methodically.

"Will you still be my friend after I tell you this?" he said, hands muffling his words.

"Yes." I said, not even thinking.  

He pulled his hands away from his face, which wasn't as puffy as it was before, and began his story.

---

Mom and Dad got divorced two years ago.  They always hated each other, but when I was born they *really* hated each other.  Dad didn't want kids, and Mom lied and said she couldn't have babies.

My dad started punching me around a lot, and sometimes Mom was there.  All she cared about was getting in trouble with the cops, so sometimes she stopped it.

Mom went to jail for 8 months for stealing at stores.  It's called......something I can't remember.  Shoplifting, I think.

Dad got really mad about that seeing that he couldn't cook or anything.  I didn't eat a lot then.  I was 10.

While Mom was in jail, a black man and woman moved in next door.  Dad got really mad about that and started calling them really bad names.  He started making me call them names too, sometimes when they were outside. I didn't want to, but Dad would punch me if I didn't.

Mom came home from jail and Dad cooled down about the neighbors.  

When I turned 14, I started to hate the neighbors too.  They had a kid, a boy, and he was always just annoying me.  Once, the kid came over and pulled the chain loose from my bike.  I was so mad, and I started screaming at him all of the names that Dad would scream before.

They called the cops, and I got punched around later for being stupid.  I think that's why I got punched a lot.  I was always being stupid.  

After last Christmas, I heard glass break and I went to look and saw the neighbors kid standing in his yard looking scared.  And he should have been scared.  He broke our car windshield with a rock or something.  I saw him, he did it!

Dad came to the door, and that's when things got bad.  Really bad. He went over to that kid and grabbed him by the shirt and called him all kinds of names.  Bad names.  

I was mad too, and I walked over to the kid and punched him in the face.  Dad dropped him, and kicked him in the side. I broke his arm.  

The kid's dad came out and he and my dad fought.  The kid kept calling for his dad and screaming, but my dad wouldn't let him come near.  

 I don't know what happened, but I saw that kid down there in the grass, bloody and broken, and I realized I just did a bad thing.  I don't know why it even happened.  It was just a stupid window on a stupid car.  

I ran into the house and called 911.  I threw up while trying to say my address because I saw that there was blood on the phone.

Dad and I were taken by the police.  The kid went to the hospital.  Mom came to get me from Juvenile, and took me home until they could figure out what to do with me.

Dad was in jail for a couple of months and Mom got a boyfriend.  He didn't hit me, but he did ignore me.  That was alright by me.

I went to court, and the judge told me asked me if I was sorry for what I did. The kid's dad was there, and I was so embarrassed.  I was really sorry, but I didn't think saying it was enough.

I said, "I wish I could take it back.  I shouldn'ta done what I done."

The kid's dad stood up and asked if he could talk, and the judge said he could.

The guy told the judge that my dad put me up to it, and that I needed a second chance.  He didn't want me to hurt his son anymore, and wanted me to stay away, but didn't think I should go to jail or anything.  

The judge asked me if my dad made me do it, and I told him about the time when he made me call the kid names.

He thought about it, and said that if I got help, I would just get probation.

I asked Mom what I should do, and she said she didn't care.  I wanted to stay away from Dad once he got out of jail, and I didn't know what to do.

We were walking out and the kid's dad came over and talked to me.  He said that he was still angry with what I did, but his dad beat him all the time too.  Mom went to the car, mad that she had to wait.  The guy was really nice to me after what I did, and he wanted to help me.

He......he.......

---

Gregory covered his face again, and started to sob.  I had tears in my eyes, and a great desire to reach out and hold him.  This was a new kind of desire, one that was unfamiliar and scary.  Even though I had romantic feelings for Gregory, that aspect of it was set aside right then, and the contact that I wanted with him was only to comfort him.

At first, his sobs were silent, but finally, after a long inhale of breath that was wet and miserable, he found his voice, and it broke my heart.  

This almost made me reach out, but I still held back.  If I hadn't told him that I was gay the night before, I would have been able to, but the fear of alienating him because of a misread sign of affection was so great that all I could do was sit there, watching his emotions get torn in every direction.

I looked around to see if anyone had heard, but the area was still, even after Gregory's outburst.  It didn't last long, and soon he got hold of himself.  

"I don't want to hurt people.  I don't want to be like my dad." he said, sniffling and wiping his nose with his forearm.

I didn't know what to say to this, so I just nodded my head.

Then a thought occurred to me, one that cut me deep.

"Is....is that why you are friends with me?" I asked.

He looked at me with apologetic eyes and said plainly, "You are my first black friend."

It was sweet in its own way, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

The hurt in my eyes must have been evident because he began to stammer that he didn't mean it like that.  

I wanted to run away, feeling that I had just lost the only friend I had at the Retreat.  I had a flash of anger and hurt that boiled my blood.  But I couldn't bare to leave him, so I just turned away from him.

There was silence, and I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I jerked away.

"I'm sorry." he said, "I thought if I was nice to you, it was make up for that kid's broken arm." 

I scoffed, "Did it?"

"No. But you are my friend now." he said.  His hand was still on my shoulder.  

In that moment, I realized what I should have known all along.  Chances were good that he wasn't gay at all.  I had mistaken his interest in me as romantic, but now that I knew his intentions were not what I had expected.

I turned around, threw my arms around him and hugged him.  

Surprisingly, he hugged me back, his strong arms taking the wind out of my lungs.  It was wonderful.

I pulled away and he said, "Does that mean we are still friends?"

"Yeah."

"Good."  He thought for a second and said, "When you said you aren't into girls, did you mean..."

I cringed and said, "Yeah, that's what I mean."  I thought we had already established this the night before, but apparently, confirmation was needed.  

"Oh.  That's OK, though. I still like you." he said.

"Thanks."

We got up and left the clearing. I didn't know it was the last time I would see that clearing.  After we had lunch, Gregory and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking back at the bunkhouse.  He had questions about me being gay, which I couldn't really answer since it was all new to me.  We spent a lot if time together, even during dinner, which was good.  

After dinner, I went to the cabin trying to come up with an excuse not to go to the Bonfire event.  I felt that the Retreat had done it's job and that I didn't need anything else.  But there was a lot of pressure to go.

Gregory made it clear that he wasn't going.  It was hard enough telling the story to me, but he wasn't about to through that with and entire group of people, which I completely understood.

In the end, it was Gregory that convinced me that I needed to go.  

"You missed all the other bonfires, and you can just leave if it gets to be too much." he said.  "I'll be here when you get back."

"What are you going to do when they come looking for you." I asked.

"They can't make me." he said and smiled.

I wished I had that kind of bravery.  

I left the cabin, and for the second time that day, I didn't realize that I was doing something for the last time.  The first was leaving the clearing. The second was leaving Gregory.  I never saw either of them again after that.

---

No one else at the Retreat knew the terror I felt when placed near a fire.  Being aware of this, I had to put on my game face and pretend like I wasn't beginning the long and agonizing road of panic.  My experience told me that if I were to explain why I couldn't go to the Event, I would be given words of encouragement and the advice of prayer.  What I really needed was comfort and understanding, but I wasn't sure if any of those were in that evenings future.

The bonfire itself wasn't as large as the one I had imagined, but that didn't change my outlook about the situation.  The heat radiating from it was still hot, and the light was hypnotic and blinding.  I just wanted to go away, but by the time I had convinced myself that this simply wasn't worth it, it occurred to me that I had no idea which way was back to the cabins.  I may have been next to fire, but at least there was people here. The thought of being alone in the woods was the only thing worse than that situation I was currently in.

All of the teens, minus Gregory, were standing around the fire in a huge circle.  There was some conversation, but it was muted, and it kept stopping abruptly every time the fire would pop loudly.  No able to help myself, everytime there was a sudden noise, I clapped my hands to my ears and wished like mad that I could just keep them there until this was all over.  

The Youth Minister appeared from between two trees, and I suddenly had hope that he had come from the cabins, and I could just bolt in that direction.  But there was doubt in my mind again whether or not he really *did* come from the cabins, and I stayed put.  Meanwhile, the fire popped and crackled.

As soon as everyone saw the Youth Minister, they went completely silent.  

"Tonight is going to be one of the most important nights of your young life. I want everyone to join hands and bow your heads.  We are going to pray and ask the Lord for strength and courage."

We did as we were told.  I had edged forward so I was completely surrounded with bodies, since the darkness behind me was becoming unnerving.

The Youth Minister began his most passionate prayer of the week.  At one point, he was in tears when he recounted how he wasn't worthy of the forgiveness he was given, but he was grateful for it.  When the Youth Minister began to cry, so did the girl on my left.  Her hand began to squeeze harder as she whimpered and my knuckles ground together uncomfortably.

I was still a little confused at how this evening was going to change our life.  The change I had hoped for wasn't in the cards for me, or at least so I had assumed.  I wanted a better home life, I wanted a better social life, and I wanted the veil of confusion about my sexuality to be lifted.  

This Event was supposed to change our life, but I had no idea how it was going to change mine.

After the Youth Minister finished his prayer, everyone dropped their hands and sighed.  There were sniffles all around me, but I didn't feel anything but fear.  

"Each one of us, and yes that includes me, has something in our lives that prevents us from being a True Christian.  We can never reach perfection, I'm afraid, but we can eliminate things from our lives so we can at least strive for it.  Thoughts of lust, weakness to peer pressure, failing to give glory to God for whatever reason, these things all keep us from achieving our Blessed Destiny.

Each one of us has one thing, above all others, that weighs heavy on our heart.  Tonight, you are going to change that.

I want you to find a stick.  Any size will do.  Just a twig or branch, it doesn't matter."

At first, no one moved.  Then the Youth Minister turned around and picked up a small branch and held it up.  While his instruction were plain enough, it felt like everyone was waiting on someone else to get started.

No one said a word as they looked around, and within second everyone had a stick in their hand, including me.

After everyone was still again, the Youth Minister continued. 

"This stick represents whatever it is that burdens you.  I want you to think hard about what the stick represents.  I want you to throw your stick into the fire, and when you do, I want you to call it out.  Anything that we witness tonight will stay here.  This is between us and the Lord.  Cast your burden into the fire, and the Lord will help take it from your shoulders, if you would let him."

I was afraid it was going to come to that.  The stick thing I could do, but I didn't think I could call it out.  If I were to call out everything that weighed heavily on my heart, the fire would eventually go out and everyone would be asleep.  I couldn't just choose one, because one burden seemed to be completely linked to the others.  All or nothing, as it were.

The Youth Minister stepped forward and said, "I'm a married man, but I still think about other women.  Lord, forgive me."  He tossed the stick into the fire, tears still leaking from his eyes.  It was then that I noticed that his wife was standing behind him, and she had tears in her eyes as well.  I had only seen her on a couple of occasions during the week, and I knew that she was the Adult Leaders for the girls.  Despite her tears, I couldn't really read whether or not this piece of information was news to her.  Personally, I didn't see how this was a burden, since there was no harm in it, but that was just my opinion.  

This revelation about the Youth Minister's Wandering Eye was surprising to me, but if he thought that it would make me feel better about my own burdens, he was wrong.

Teens started stepping forward then, one by one, casting their sticks into the fire.  They called our their burden, one at a time, and they ranged from heartbreaking (one girl had been molested by a family member when she was a little girl), all the way to shallow (another girl, heavyset, thought that her weight kept her from being a better Christian).

At one lull, the Youth Minister said, "Once you cast your burden into the fire, head to the mess hall for more prayer and guidance.  There are adult counselors to help you there."

That was all of the motivation I needed.  I stepped forward, my branch held up as if I were waiting for lightning to come down to give me power, and I got as close as I dared to the fire and called out the first thing that came to mind.

"I'm gay!" I called out and I threw the stick.  I saw where everyone was heading after they threw their stick and I headed in that direction, and as I walked, I listened for the next teen to call out the next confession.  But it was quiet, and I looked around.

Everyone was staring at me.  One girl who was standing near me was looking at me as if I were covered in shit, then she inched away.

I don't know why I chose to call that out.  To me, at the time, it was much easier to admit than the other stuff.  But I never thought ahead to what was going to happen once everyone knew that secret.  

I suddenly wished I had just called out that I was fat.  Or black.  Or anything else.  

I just wanted out of there, and I walked on following the teens back to the mess hall.

The walk was terrible and there were a couple of times I thought I had lost sight of the group I was following.  

When I finally reached the familiar cabin area, I began to walk toward the mess hall.  Then I changed my mind and I decided to look for Gregory back at the cabin.  I wanted to tell him what happened, and I suddenly needed to be around someone who didn't seem to judge me.

Just before I got to the door, I saw one of the 16 year old boys standing next to the cabin next to mine.  He was looking at me strangely, and I felt heat rush to my face.  I put my hand on the cabin door, and he whispered a quick, "Hey!" to get my attention.  

He waved me over, and curiosity made my feet move before my brain could tell me that it might be a bad idea.  

I approached him and said, "What?".  He took my hand and pulled me towards the shadows toward the back of the cabin.  My mind was racing as I tried to figure out what was going on, but that was soon answered when I felt his lips pressed against mine.  His hands went to the sides of my head, and I felt his tongue enter my mouth, which I returned eagerly.  

That was the signal for him to press his own body against mine, and we made out passionately.  While there was groping, there were no attempts to go any further than that.  He seemed to be just as unprepared for that as I was.

I didn't get the best look at this stranger, but I knew that he really wasn't my type like Gregory was.  But after a week of alienation and loneliness, which is what it all amounted to in the end despite the efforts of some, the fact that I had someone else to reach out to in that moment was a wonderful oasis.  While I was aroused, I wanted the contact more than I wanted sex, which was a new emotion for me. 

Being two horny teenagers in a moment of passion, neither of us took the time to see whether or not anyone had followed us and we heard the surprised gasp far too late.  We just had time to see that someone was running away, and fast, before we realized that we had been caught.

The other boy ran, but I simply stood there, alone and scared.  Soon, the shadow I was standing in made me nervous, and I walked out into the open.  I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I knew that the night was only beginning.

---

Word of our indiscretion spread quickly, and it wasn't long before I was staring across a wooden table at Todd, who was giving me a look of scathing disappointment.  When he asked me to sit down, it wasn't with an angry tone like I had expected, but a patient one.  For some reason, that made me feel even more nervous.

After a few minutes of studying me, he sighed and said, "Bill, I have no idea where to even begin.  Is there anything you want to say for yourself?"

"No." I said, and I meant it.  

Todd sighed again and said, "The Youth Minister is talking to the other boy, and we are going to get to the bottom of this.  What you two did was not only against our rules, but against God's rules, and quite frankly, I have no idea what we are going to do."

"Okay." I said.  

One of the Teen Leaders came over and called Todd away.  Todd gave me a look that told me to stay put, and I sat there for 10 minutes.  Then, the Youth Minister came back with Todd and they both stared down at me.

Todd folded his arms and said, "This isn't the first time we have had a situation like this, but it is the first time we have had something of......this nature.  In the past, anything like this was dealt with expulsion from the Retreat.  We leave tomorrow at noon, and had this been a normal offense, we wouldn't have bothered sending you home.

But, since it's obvious you can't be trusted around other boys, and we can't keep watch over you for the next 12 hours, I think I should just take you home tonight."

Todd walked over to the phone in the office and asked me for my number.  I gave it to him, and he dialed.  

My mother was going to be pissed.

---

A half an hour later, I was sitting in the back seat of Todd's car.  My bag had been gathered by one of the boys in my cabin.  I wanted to ask about Gregory, but it occurred to me that given the situation, I might not want to draw any attention to our friendship.  He was innocent in all of this, and he didn't need anymore drama.

Instead of getting nauseous, I began to get drowsy and I felt myself nodding off.  As I was drifting, I wondered what happened to the other boy and if I would ever see Gregory again.  I doubted the latter, and if I hadn't been so tired, I would have cried.

I slept all the way home.

---

I had no idea how much Mom knew, but she wasn't pissed when she saw me.  He was more concerned than anything.  

It was 4 in the morning, and Todd dropped me off at the apartment without as much as a goodbye.  He did wait to make sure Mom answered the door, and once he saw her standing there in her pink bathrobe, he pulled away.  I never saw him again either.

Mom asked me what happened, and I told her that I wanted to come home.  If she knew I was lying, then she would call me on it.  If she didn't, then there was no point in going into it.  

She asked if I was alright, and I said that I was, and I meant it.  It felt good to be home, and the thought of a hot shower and my own bed made me forget that a 5 hours prior, I had been discovered making out with another boy at a Retreat that was supposed to prepare me for my Adult Life.

Looking back, I realized that it had, just not in a way that anyone expected.

I showered, and Mom tucked me into bed, her look of worry gone now.  She asked me one more time if I was sure that I was OK, and I assured her that I couldn't be better.  

Per tradition, she kissed me on the forehead and left the room.  I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be, so I lay there thinking about Gregory and that other boy.  I thought about what Church would be like the following Sunday, and how long it would take for Mom to find out what happened.

I eventually did fall asleep, and when I dreamed, it was of Gregory.

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way

365 Days Of Me: January 17 -- The Retreat (Part Five)

(THE FINAL SERMON)

With a night of relatively decent sleep, I woke up with a moment of utter clarity.  Before I had a chance to comprehend where I was, and before I had a chance to let the fear creep in, it occurred to me that I hadn't made but one friend in the previous three days of The Retreat.

This was not a new concept, I was a loner in school and was accustomed to being alone, not that I liked it.  The familiar emotional terrain of loneliness caused me to forget about the one hope I had that caused me to come to the Retreat in the first place.  I had hoped that even though these were older kids, one or two of them might take me in and make me a friend, even if it were just for a few days.

But I found that teens are alike all over.  If you didn't quite fit in, then you had to prove yourself in order to get in with whichever crowd they were in.  I thought being with the Church, things would have been different.  But in that moment of clarity, I realized I was wrong.

Gregory, however, did befriend me, even though I didn't realize it until the night before.  I suspected that his willingness to be friends with me, which in retrospect had been since we met, came from the fact that he didn't really belong either.  Like me, there was something haunting him, and I was convinced I knew what it was.

I woke up before the others, just after dawn, with the painful need to urinate.  I decided that with the sunlight acting as a chaperone, the daylight betraying any attempt I might make to use the side of the cabin as a urinal, I would have to drag myself all the way to the restrooms.

I made the trip in what seemed record time, but when I got back, I found that Gregory was awake and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

He looked at me and smiled.  "G'morning." he croaked, sleep still clogging his voice.  

"Morning." I said standing in the doorway, realizing that our conversation the night before changed everything.  He now knew that I was gay and I suspected that he might be as well.  There had been signs to the contrary, but I easily dismissed those signs as assumptions, and with only one more day to explore this new development, I found myself at a loss for words.

"I'm going to take a shower.  Meet you in the mess hall?" he said standing up and grabbing his towel, which was draped over the corner of the bunkbed.

I opened my mouth, just stopping short of offering to join him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  The disastrous episode a couple of days before made me careful of when I went to shower, and I was in and out of there in record time.  But the shower house was always busy in the morning, and I didn't want to risk exposure in my desire for him.

"Yeah." was all I said, and I turned around and walked away before he could see that my pants were getting tighter.

Breakfast wasn't going to be for another couple of hours, and the mess hall was completely empty when I walked in.  I walked over to the gaming area, complete with stacks of board games and game pieces, and found a relatively new pack of cards.  I took the cards to my usual spot by the window and I laid out a fresh batch of solitaire.  

I got through two failed games when Gregory arrived with a fresh set of clothes and the scent of soap surrounding him.  His hair was still damp and he somehow still had a drop of water barely hanging from his straggly beard.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw him, and I felt that it was alright to do so.

He sat down across from me on the wooden bench, and said, "You like that game a lot, huh?"

"Yeah," I said.

I shuffled the cards, and asked if he wanted to play a game.  He said no, claiming that he was no good at cards, so I laid out another game of solitaire.

After laying out the cards, I looked up and said, "How did you know?"

"Know what?" Gregory asked, frowning at the cards.

"About...my secret?" I asked, feeling my face burn at having to explain.  

He looked up into my eyes, and that drop of water finally fell onto the table.  After a moment he said, "I see how you look at boys, and you never look at girls.  Guess I just...knew."

I wanted to ask him if he did the same thing, but I was too scared to do so.

Instead I said, "And it doesn't bother you?"  I hoped the question would be vague and open ended enough to give him to opportunity to be as honest with me as I was with him. I told him he didn't have to share his secret with me, but that didn't mean I had to stop being curious about it.

"Nah," he said, looking back at the cards, "My brother and my uncle are like that.  I'm used to it."

That response was a bit more detached than I wanted, but I still kept hope.  

"Oh," I said, picking up a card and laying it down, "Where is the church you go to?"

"I don't go to church."

I had picked up a red card, and was halfway to putting it on a black card, but this new piece of information made me freeze. I couldn't help it.  I was just thrown a curve ball.

"You don't?" I said, card between my fingers as it hovered between us.

Gregory shook his head and said, "Nope." 

I had assumed everyone that was there went to Church, and wasn't aware that anyone would sign up for it.

"Then..." I began, but he interrupted me before I could ask how he came to the Retreat.

"I got in a lot of trouble and I agreed to come to this rather than, the other thing." he said, not looking up.

I put down the card and asked, "What other thing?"

"They were gonna lock me up." he said, his voice changing.  It became younger, like a scared child.

My game forgotten, I asked, "What did you do?"  

"I hurt someone." he said, and there was a tone that told me that it was all of the information I would going to get out of him for a while.  As far as I could tell, that was all I would ever find out.

 

I continued my game for a while, and we sat in silence.  Then, the cooking crew arrived and began banging away getting ready for breakfast.  

The first to arrive at the mess hall after that was Todd.  He looked around for someone and saw me and came right over.

"I guess you decided to say, huh?" Todd said clapping me on the shoulder.

"Yeah..." I said shyly, embarrassed that Gregory now knew that I had considered leaving.  

Todd squeeze my shoulder and said, "I knew that God would talk to you.  And it seems you made a friend.  What's your name?  I'm Todd."

Gregory looked up at Todd and extended his hand to shake, "Gregory, sir.  Pleased t'meet ya."

"Well," Todd said, "are you both ready for tonight?  It's all been leading to this, you know.  Your life is going to change!"

I guess he thought we were going to stand and cheer, or at least respond, but because of his ill timing he got neither.

"Say," he finally said, giving up on the three person rally he was trying to ignite, "You wouldn't happen to have seen Sherrie anywhere..."

"No sir." I said, having lost my concentration on the game and was pondering starting over again.

"Well, if you see her, tell her that I need to talk to her, 'kay?" Todd said and was already turning to leave.

Since he didn't stay for the response, I didn't bother to give him one.  Of course, if I saw Sherrie, I would send the message, but I didn't like when people only engaged me when they needed a favor.

"I'm not going tonight." Gregory said, his voice back to normal with a edge of resolution.

Deciding it was time to start the game over, I said, "What is it?"

"They didn't tell you?  It's a bonfire.  It's a big one.  Bigger than the ones they had ever night." he said, as if I should already know this.  Oblivious by nature, I never questioned whether I had been told and had simply forgotten or dismissed it.

I read in a book that had described a bonfire in a forest that was used in some strange occult festival.  Everyone had stripped to naked or their underclothes and dance around the fire.  At first, everyone was doing their own thing, but then without warning or reason, everyone was synchronized.  Not just the same way at the same time, but as if they were each a mirror reflection of each other.  The purpose of this made them more aware of their enemies, and by the time the dance was over, each person dancing around the fire had the ability to look into a person's soul and discover their true intent.

The story scared me pretty badly, not because of the occult, but the description of the fire, which was in a clearing in the middle of the forest.  It was twice the size of all of the participants, and blazed so fiercely that the dancers were red and sore within seconds.

The fact that Gregory wasn't going make me consider skipping the event, but this new information made my mind up for me.  

"I'm not going either." I said, gathering the failed Solitaire game and getting the cards back into one deck, ready to shuffle.  It was then I noticed that my hands were shaking.

A group of teens came into the mess hall and I was disappointed and relieved at the same time.  I needed a diversion, and breakfast sounded like a good one.  Then again, my time alone with Gregory was over and it felt like we wouldn't get another chance like this before the Retreat was over.

I didn't have much of an appetite, but decided to go ahead and have some toast and jelly so I wouldn't feel so bad later when the heat reached its peak.

---

It was the final "workshop", and it was to prepare us for the event that night.  While everyone seemed to be aware that there would be a bonfire, no one really understood what the purpose was.  There was speculation that there would be more singing, while some joked that the boys would be forced to hunt and dress a large animal while the girls were forced to cook it as preparations of their roles in life.

Everyone around me that heard this laughed.  I didn't.  The fact that no one knew what the event was going to actually be scared me more than ever. I knew I wasn't going to want to go, but I was no longer sure if I would be allowed to skip the event.  At least, not without questions, and I wasn't about to get mixed up in all of that.

The Youth Minister came in and was followed by all of the male Teen Leaders, of which there were 7.  Individually, they all looked like teens, but when you put them all together, they looked like a group of young men.  One of my cabin mates was standing up there, and his face was unreadable.  

The Youth Minister stood at the podium and picked up his bible.  The room went completely quiet, and as the Youth Minister looked up, he seemed to savor in the silence before speaking.  He was about to say something he considered to be profound.

"Right now," he said in a voice that sounded much louder than usual, "I see a room full of young boys.  In the last few days, you have grown, not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of God.  You have discovered that you are an imperfect person in an imperfect world.  With that knowledge, you will be able to seek out your calling and become the man that God wants you to be.  But before you can do that, you have to be honest with God.  He already knows you better than you know yourself, but unless you confront all that keeps you from being the man that God wants you to be, then your relationship with God is flawed.  He knows the truth, so there is no point in hiding.

Many of you have given into the sin of drugs and alcohol.  You don't have to tell me, I already know.  I know because Satan is a powerful enemy and without proper guidance both from God and those that serve Him, your guard against temptation is nothing.

Even worse, some of you have engaged in fornication.  This is just as serious, and God is very clear about how chastity is crucial to living by His Word.  

Then there are some of you who have been tempted, but have no given in.  Believe me, you will be tempted, and you are no better than anyone else in this room.  I've been tempted, and I have given in.  I have also paid a price that I wouldn't wish on any of you.  Don't think that just because you think you got away with it, that God is going to forget so easily.  God is kind and compassionate, but his wrath against sin is harsh, but fair.  

Tonight, you will bare your soul. Every one of you. We will all be together, both the girls and the boys, leaders and adult.  We will lay out our sins and we will pray for a new start.  

You've heard the stories of those who have been down the path of sin.  You have discussed with each other how you've been tempted.  You have all bonded as groups, but tonight you *must* bond as one.  Every one of you."

In the silence that followed, I could heard a couple of the boys sniffling.  One was sobbing, but quietly.  It unnerved me.  Gregory was sitting in front of me, but his body language told me what I had suspected.  He and I were in the same boat.  We were not going to do this.  Our reasons might be different, but our resolution was the same.  

The Youth Minister then went into his final sermon of the week.  That's really what these workshops were, I knew it at this point.  I had hoped that we would actually do a project or something, but that wasn't to be.  Later, when I had time to reflect, it dawned on me that since we were supposed to be entering adulthood, we were to give up the things that kept us from doing so.  The Adult Christian Life was about sermons, not entertainment.  Church wasn't a social haven, but a place of worship.  That was part of our preparation into adulthood, the disillusionment of our young Christian life.  

In other words, we weren't in Sunday School anymore.

After the sermon, we were given an assignment.  The Event (which was what it was dubbed from then on out) would be taking place in a designated clearing deeper into the woods.  Aside from dinner, our time was ours to do as we wish.  The Youth Minister highly recommended that we take the time to discuss The Event with those who we have connected with.

That was the first thing he said all day that I took seriously, because I intended to do just that.

---

Afterward, we all stood up, and there was a seriousness in the room, without all of the laughing and kidding around that usually followed something that was really boring.  I tapped Gregory on the shoulder, but he didn't notice me. He awkwardly walked quickly toward the Youth Minister.  I couldn't hear what was being said, but after a few words back and forth, the Youth Minister put his hand on Gregory's shoulder and led him out of the room.

I stood there, feeling somewhat devastated that my opportunity to talk to Gregory was delayed, if not denied.  I had a strong feeling, so strong that it almost became fact in my mind, that I was about to lose that commonality with Gregory now.  I wasn't sure how it was going to happen, but I was all but convinced that it would happen before I had a chance to talk to him.  

Not knowing what else to do, I went back to the cabin.

---

I wasn't even in the mood to read, so I just climbed into bed and thought.  My mind raced from thoughts of Gregory in a romantic sense, to thoughts of helping ease the burden of his mind.  I wasn't sure if the Youth Minister would do anything but botch up the job, because he didn't *understand* Gregory like I did.  True, I didn't know the Youth Minister well enough to know whether or not we had the same types of demons, but one thing was for certain.  If my guess about Gregory was correct, the Youth Minister wouldn't give up until *that* problem was fixed.  

And then inevitably, the two of them would attempt to fix me.  

This was what I was thinking about when the cabin door opened up and Gregory walked in.  He walked over to my bunk and looked right at me and said, "I need to talk to you."

He had been crying, something that filled me with dread.  

"Let's go to the lake." was all I said.  I climbed down, and fought the urge to do something affectionate, like take his hand or give him a hug.  Instead, I touched his arm as I passed him, and we both left the cabin to our private spot.

(TO BE CONCLUDED)

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way

365 Days Of Me: January 16 -- The Retreat (Part Four)

(THE DECISION)

"You're putting me in an awkward spot." Todd said to me as I sat with him in the empty mess hall.  He was one of the counselors that arrived the day before, sent from the Church to act as spiritual advisors for the next couple of days.  The plan was that as the week went on, we would discover who we were as Christians, then we would discover how we could become better disciples of Christ.

That was the plan, anyway.

My plan was to get the first ride back home before the day was out.  While I was a bit more rested, I realized that showers were now out of the question, and I wasn't really making the friends I had hoped.  It was like being back in school, except these were supposed to be the *good* people, who loved me no matter what.

But at breakfast that morning, I decided that I would follow the other boys in my cabin and try to sit with them.  I was the youngest in the cabin, but they really were the only people I was exposed to regularly.  But as I sat down next to them, I immediately felt like I was intruding.  There was no "hello", no "good morning", no greeting of any type.

I ate my food quietly, too shy to try and make my way into the conversation.  

Eventually, the boys had finished their meals and left without even as much as a glance at me.  

I suddenly felt very foolish, sitting exposed in the middle of the mess hall, rather than in my quiet corner.  I finished the rest of my food and left the mess hall as quickly as I could.

There was another workshop/lecture in the same hall as the day before, but I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going.  I went back to the cabin, and gathered my few belongings.  I went to my little clearing to think, and to wait until I knew everyone was going to be at their respective workshops.

I sat there for what seemed like quite a bit of time, then I ventured to the mess hall to see if anyone was there.  It was the center of operations when there wasn't a meal or gathering going on, so I was hoping someone would be there.

And that's where I found Todd, who was giving me a look of confusion and disapproval when I told him that I wanted to leave.  That look only hardened when I refused to answer why.

It wasn't just the isolation.  It was the fact that I was on my own for the very first time and I wasn't dealing with it well.  I was accustomed to having a place to go when things got too rough on me.  I wasn't used to being out in the open in the middle of one of the things I feared the most.  It wasn't even a rational fear, it was just mindless and unrelenting.  

The incident in the shower the day before didn't help either.

Todd was sitting one of the long benches with his hands folded on the table.  His thumbs drummed on the wood as he pondered the situation, and that made me nervous.  I was also feeling a bit resentful to be silently ridiculed because I didn't want to hang around anymore.  I obviously wasn't getting out of The Retreat what I was supposed to.

"What was your name again?" he asked.

"Bill." I said, trying hard to sound like I was completely sure I knew what I was doing.

Todd's thumbs drummed a bit faster as he said, "Bill, the problem is that we can't spare anyone to be away for 6 hours while they take you home."

"But," I said, surprised, "it's only a 3 hour drive."

Todd's thumbs stopped drumming as he said, "Yes, that's true.  One way. Then they would need to drive back.  And to be honest, since you won't tell me why you want to go home, I can't imagine that it is an emergency, which is the only thing I can think of that would justify...."

"Can someone come pick me up?" I asked.

 "That could be set up...I guess.  But, I really wish you wouldn't do that.  I know it's hard being younger than most of the kids here, but if you only give it a chance, I'm sure you will find your place."

I was stunned as he said this.  Didn't he understand?  This Retreat was *supposed* to be "my place".  I had expected to be accepted and made part of the group automatically.  I don't know why I thought this, and as I sat there across from Todd, I felt foolish for thinking it.

"Give it another day." Todd said, "If you feel the same in the morning, I'll take you home myself.  Deal?"

I thought about it.  Actually, I pretended to think about it.  I didn't like the deal at all, but I didn't want to come off as a jerk.  But I just didn't think I could make it through another night.  By morning, I could be insane for all I knew.

I was about to politely decline, when it occurred to me that if I went home now, any chance I had with making any friends at that church would be completely destroyed.  I couldn't even handle one week away from home, and I was going to slink home with my tail between my legs.  

I didn't have any sort of friends at Church, despite my efforts.  I was seen as odd, part of it being that I wasn't white, and on top of that, I was just considered bizarre.  I had crying jags, a sensitive stomach, and I was pretty twitchy.  People tended to avoid me simply because it was easier that way.

But right then, I reconsidered going home.  It was the only time in my entire life that I ever had the need to conform before or since.  

"Deal." I said to Todd, and he smiled broadly.

"Good deal then!" he said, perking up that this problem was averted. 

We prayed then, or at least he did.  I couldn't concentrated long enough to have a conversation with anyone right then, because I had to come up with something to make things me be more normal.

---

According to Gregory, I missed out on the most boring lecture ever created.  I asked him what it was about, and he said that he didn't know.  He fell asleep.  I thought he was joking until I heard the other boys in the cabin imitating his snoring. 

Apparently, the Youth Minister wasn't amused, and just before lunch, the two of them had a talk about it.  The other boys in the cabin got serious about it, and when Gregory came back, they seemed offended when he tried to laugh it off.  

I was on my bunk reading my book, feeling the tension in the air and hating it.  Gregory looked stricken as he went to his bunk, and the other boys just sort of ignored him.  

The bell sounded in the middle of the campground which was the signal for lunch, and everyone except Gregory made for the door.  

I turned to him and said, "You coming?"

Gregory didn't respond.  At first, I thought he was asleep, but then I saw that his eyes were open and just staring up.  

After the other boys left, I asked him if he was alright.

"I'm not hungry." he said, sulking a bit.

I said, "Well, you don't have to eat.  Just come with me."

He looked at me and said, "Why?"

I sighed, and told him about what had happened at breakfast that morning.  His eyes fixed on me as I talked, and when I was finished, he got out of bed.  

"Alright." he said, and I smiled.  

It wasn't how I had intended my plan to work, but I would take it.  

---

For the first time since I arrived at The Retreat, I had a pretty good time.  I actually laughed a couple of times.  Gregory, on the other hand, laughed quite a bit.  The conversation was juvenile, but to kids our age, it was absolutely hilarious.  

After the food was all eaten, the conversation turned a bit serious.  He asked me why I was so scared all of the time.  I didn't like the fact that the subject changed so quickly, but I swore that I wasn't going to be moody anymore.  

Still, I didn't want to get into it, so instead I just told him that camping wasn't my thing. I didn't like bugs, I didn't like the heat, and I didn't like the beds.  I told him I wanted to be home in my own bed, reading, or playing video games.  

He nodded his head, and seemed to be satisfied with that answer. I didn't lie, I just didn't tell him everything.  Still, I felt a pang of guilt at that.

There was very little time between lunch and the next activity, and I knew I had to go to make up for the one that I missed that morning. I told Gregory that I would keep him awake if I needed to, and he seemed to take me seriously.  I suddenly became very excited about going to the workshop which I was beginning to discover was really more of a sermon.  I was going to be able to sit next to Gregory, and any time I spent with him was time well spent.

The South Hall was still hot and uncomfortable, and I had to wonder how anyone could fall asleep on those stupid wooden benches.

This time, Gregory and I sat together, and I warned him that I would elbow him in the ribs if he started to nod off.  He grunted, but nodded his head.

The Youth Minister approached the podium and greeted us.  His voice was somber, and he began the activity with a prayer.  We all bowed our heads, and the Youth Minister spoke in a humble voice.

The prayer was one that rehashed previous ones, asking for mercy and guidance throughout this trek we were taking, discovering our relationship with God.  He asked that our hearts be open to His word and that we would follow the path that we were meant to take.

This last part was a new addition to his standard prayer, and it was probably the most striking thing he had said since the retreat began.  For me, anyway, it was in direct opposition to the rest of what everyone had been saying to me.  

Follow the path we were meant to take.

My mind wandered, as it often did even outside The Retreat, thinking about the possibilities that were available to me.  I was overwhelmed with the thought that the one path that everyone else was taking was very limiting, and from what I could see, not all that rewarding. 

At the same time, I felt a pang of guilt.  This spiritual path, the same as the rest of the young people in the Retreat, was but one that was available, but it was the only one I knew.  According to every person with authority within the Church, even considering other paths had serious consequences.

I had enough on my mind rather than deal with that.

The prayer was over, and in the same tone as the prayer, the Youth Minister began to speak.

"I'm looking out at all of you, and I see a lot of hopeful faces.  I also see a lot of young men who are in serious trouble." he said.

Everyone began to shift uncomfortably, both from his words and the hard benches.  I began to feel anxiety, trying to think what it is that we could have done to get ourselves in trouble with the Youth Minister.

A very faint smile crept on the right side of the Youth Minister's mouth and he held up his hands as if we had been shouting in protest, "Now, I didn't say you did anything wrong, just that you were in trouble.  It's a very harsh world out there, full of temptation.  Temptation of your purity, and your faith.

As you know, this Retreat's purpose is to prepare you for that world, but I have to be honest with you, the things you learn this week aren't going to be enough to save you.

You've already shared with each other some of your stories.  I have received word that some of you already know how cold and uncaring the world can be, especially to a Christian.  I've watched some of you and can already tell that you haven't the faintest clue what is out there.  

Well, starting now, this very *minute*, everything is going to change.  You are going to be challenged and tested.  You are going to bare your soul and find comfort in each other's stories.  It isn't going to be easy, but if you can tell us, your brothers, about the your deepest darkest secrets, then the stains in your life can finally  lift away."

I looked over at Gregory, expecting him to be nodding off or even asleep, but he wasn't.  Instead, he was staring at the Youth Minister, eyes full of fear. He was pale, and for a moment it looked like he was going to be violently ill.  Seeing Gregory completely disarmed like that made me realize the ramifications of the Youth Minister's words.

He wanted for us to admit to everyone our deepest darkest secret.

I suddenly felt like Gregory looked.  

---

I walked into the cabin later that evening just before dinner to see if Gregory was ready to head to the mess hall. After the workshop that afternoon, he was very quiet and he wandered off.  I sensed that he wanted to be alone, so I gave him his space, but when I saw that his bunk was empty and he was nowhere to be found, I wondered if that was a mistake.

I wasn't about to go wandering around trying to find him.  Dusk was approaching and my nerves were already starting to jangle. I was getting into the habit of hanging out either in the cabin, or in the mess hall which, in between meals, acted as a social gathering place for cards, chat, or bible study.  I would usually find a deck of cards and play Solitaire.  

I stood by the bunkbed that I shared with Gregory thinking about where he might be.  Chances were good that he was walking the trails, a place I wouldn't dare to venture.  

He was too shy to hang out in another cabin.  He could talk guy stuff with the other boys in our cabin, but outside of that he was quiet and kept to himself.  

I had a sudden thought, and as soon as it occurred to me, I knew instantly that it was probably a correct guess.  I didn't even wait to think it through, I just turned around and went toward the lake to the clearing that I had discovered.

I wasn't sure if he had been sitting there the entire time, but I did know he had been sitting there for quite a while.  As soon as I approached, he turned to me and I could see that whatever was bothering him earlier was still weighing heavily on him.

"Hey." I said, not knowing how else to approach him.  I had no idea if he still wanted to be alone, and braced myself for a dismissal if it came to that.

"Hey, Little Guy." he said, turned back to face the lake, which was quiet and still for a change.

I sat down next to him, but not too closely even though I wanted to, and I asked, "Why do you call me that?"

"It bother you?" he asked with almost no emotion in his voice.

I looked at him, studying his face in an attempt to read him and said, "No, I just wanted to know."

For a second, I thought I was going to get an explanation, but he just continued to stare without saying anything.  

"Do you want me to go?" I asked, assuming the answer as I began to stand up.

He turned and grabbed my arm.  I sat down again hard, and his face went to shock as he realized he had grabbed me harder than he intended.  His hand was strong, and I felt a surge of desire that confused me.

He looked at me apologetically and said, "Sorry, I just need to talk to you.  That ok?"

"Yeah, sure." I said, fighting to rub my arm where he had grabbed it. No sense in making him feel worse.

There was some silence, and I wondered if he really wanted me to talk.  I found it difficult to be around him without my imagination going crazy, and his silence allowed my mind to create a scenario that by talking, he actually meant making out.

"Are you going to tell your secret?" he asked.

My stomach became a cold knot of lead and I actually became nauseous for a moment.  How had he known?  Did someone find out about what happened in the shower?  If he knew, and he was still talking to me, did that mean.....?

"No." I said hesitantly.

"You have to, and so do I." he said.  

"How...." I stammered, "....how do you know my secret?"

He looked at me and said, "I don't.  And you don't know mine.  But we ain't tellin'."

"Why won't you tell yours?" I asked, that cold ball of lead being replaced with a hot ball of curiosity. 

He continued to look at me, obviously trying to form the words to fit what was in his head.  The fact that he didn't have the "smarts" like everyone else embarrassed him, and when he had to stop and think, he felt vulnerable.  That much I knew without him telling me.

"You're the only friend I have here." he finally said.  It didn't go with what we were talking about, so I took the subject change and went with it.

"What about the other guys." I asked. I had always felt that they were his friends in some way.

"Nah, they are just guys.  I can't talk to them." he said.

"Oh." I said.

There was awkward silence, only broken by the sound of a fish breaking the surface of the lake.

I was about to boldly ask him why I was different, hoping it would lead to the revelation that we both had the same secret when he said, "Do you think maybe we could tell each other our secrets?"

"I thought you didn't want to tell yours." I said, my heart racing.

He cringed and said, "I don't.  Not in front of everybody.  But I have to tell *someone*, don't I?  Maybe if I do, then they won't make me tell everyone."

Again, I wanted to ask him why he had picked me, and if I hadn't been almost dizzy from my excitement, I might have.

The sound of a woman using a megaphone was signal that dinner was being served, but neither of us moved.

"I'm not hungry." Gregory said.

I lied and said that I wasn't either.  

"Liar." Gregory said, and knocked me over onto my side.  My mind pictured him climbing on top of me.

"You wanna sit with me?" I asked.

Looking back out onto the lake, he said, "Nah."

I stood up, then I asked, "You want me to come back after dinner so we can talk?" 

"No." he said, and it was like he had slapped me in the face. 

"Okay." I said, walking away, off to dinner.  I looked back just before I lost sight of him as I walked toward the mess hall, and saw that he had covered his face with his hands.  Whether or not he was crying, I couldn't tell.

---

I respected his wish to be left alone, but it wasn't easy. After dinner there was another concert, this time by married couple singing acoustic folk songs.  Their set was more of a confirmation of faith rather than a concert, and I was extremely uncomfortable, and I left early.

I went to the cabin to get some reading done, but I found it difficult to concentrate.  The urge to find Gregory was strong, but my fear of upsetting him further was stronger.

The other guys, who always seemed to roam as a pack, came in a short time before lights out.  My concern grew with each minute, and just before we were supposed to turn out the lights, I climbed out of the top bunk and went after Gregory.  

I found him where I left him, still just sitting there.  

"It's lights out." I said, bracing myself for whatever retaliation I was going to experience for not respecting his wish to be left alone.  

Without a word, he got up and walked to where I was standing.  

"Thanks," was all he said.

I don't know why I did it, but I blurted out, "I don't like girls.  Not in....that way.  That's my secret.  You don't have to tell me yours."

He cocked his head, and I suddenly felt that I had made a terrible mistake.  

Then he said, "I done knew that." 

My jaw dropped open, and that lead back was back in my stomach.  "How did..."

"I'm going to bed." he said, and walked past me, leaving me stunned and confused.  I wish I hadn't told him that he didn't have to tell me his, now that I realized that he had me at a disadvantage.

Finding myself alone, at night, in the clearing gave me a shock of fear that got me moving back to the cabin.  By the time I entered, Gregory was climbing into his bed.  

I wanted to join him.  Not in a sexual way, but just to be near him.  But, I wouldn't do that unless invited, and not with all of the other boys in the cabin.

As I climbed up to my bunk, Gregory whispered, "G'night, Little Guy."

I stopped half way up the ladder and smiled.  Everything was fine between the two of us, and that was good enough for me.  

As I climbed into my sleeping bag, it occurred to me that I had decided that I was going to stay after all.  I would tell Todd in the morning.

I had no way of knowing that in less than 24 hours, I would regret that decision to stay.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.  As an added bonus, I slept without dreams.

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way

365 Days Of Me: January 15 (Part Three)

(CHASTITY, OR LACK THEREOF)

"Isn't this just....beautiful?"

Her name was Debbie, and she was 19 years old.  She was one of the Teen Leaders for the girls, and she had followed me when I tried to find a place to be alone before the first Workshop.

To be fair, I probably could have kept her from following me with a word, but instead, when she asked where I was going after breakfast, I told her I was going for a walk.  It was only a half truth, since I was hoping to go back to the cabin, lose myself in a book, and maybe even go to sleep.  Taking a walk would imply that I had no real destination in mind.

But since she asked, and since she followed, I was trapped into actually taking a walk.  This was a prospect I had little interest in, but there was little I could think of to do.

She asked me a few more questions, just to break the silence, but I didn't really have many answers for her.  When she asked me how old I was, I gave her a number.  When she asked me what school I went to, I gave the school name.  I didn't elaborate, since I wasn't really interested in conversation, and I hoped that she would get the hint.

She didn't.

I even walked toward my cabin, hoping that it would be forbidden for her to cross over into the boys section, but then it occurred to me that being a Teen Leader probably gave you extra privileges of trust.  

On the other side of the cabin I was staying in with 7 other boys was a large lake.  At 10:30 in the morning, the day was really in high gear, and the heat was beginning to get a bit uncomfortable.  I stood near the water, feeling trapped between Debbie and the water, when she asked me about the beauty of day.

I grunted, not really seeing what she was.

"God's wonder are all around us.  He gives us jewels when the sun reflects off the water. He gives us music when the birds sing.  This is how we were meant to live, don't you think?" she said in a breathy voice that matched her blonde hair and naive expression.

I grunted again, this time trying to make it more non committal.  Running on only 3 hours of sleep was making me extremely cranky.

We stood in silence, and finally she said, "Don't forget to meet in the South Hall at 11 o'clock 'kay?"

"Okay." I said.  I looked at my watch, and saw that I only had 20 minutes.  I sighed, giving up on the notion that I would get out of the workshop.  Someone, probably one of the Teen Leaders would come get me.

When I signed up for this retreat, I thought I was going to make some friends and have some fun.  I hadn't put a lot of thought into the details, because of that, I had already been motion sick, alienated someone I was getting a crush on, and spent a panic stricken night in a cabin getting 3 restless hours of sleep.

Everyone else was having a great time, and I just didn't see how that was even possible.

I looked to my right, and saw that there was a clearing, with a place for a bonfire.  While I had no intentions of starting a fire, I did notice that unless you came out near the water, the small camp area was out of the line of sight to anyone even approaching the cabin.  I thought that maybe, if Debbie could keep her mouth shut, this could be place I could go to get away if things became more than I could handle.

I filed the place in my mind, and I went back to the cabin. 

I opened my suitcase to grab a change of clothes, and I found the towel that I had packed in there.  I froze as two thoughts collided in my mind at the same time.

First, I hadn't showered since the day before, and I was embarrassed to think of what I might smell like, especially since I had on the same clothes as the day before.  The other was that I had no idea when I was going to get to take a shower since I wanted to do so when there was no one else in the showerhouse.

I imagined that the showers were just one big area, without privacy stalls or anything.  The thought of that thrilled and terrified me at the same time, and I hoped that I would get to take a private shower before too long.

I decided that I would investigate after the first workshop, since there would be lunch, and then an hour free time before the evening sessions.  

I changed my clothes and freshened up as best as I could.  Now that I was aware of my lack of hygeine, it was pretty evident to me by that point, and I hoped that I wouldn't embarrass myself before the day was out.

Hope can be traitorous to a 15 year old sometimes.  It can turn and make you wish you never got up in the morning.

---

Every boy at the Retreat was in the South Hall, and we were told that all of the girls were in the North Hall.  The first workshop was an introductory one, a sort of map to what we were going to accomplish for the week. 

The Youth Minister stood in front of a podium, his million dollar smile and perfect hair almost a statement unto itself.  

"Well, it's just us guys now, and we have a lot of ground to cover." he said, his voice energetic and eager.  Standing next to him was another man, about the same age as the Youth Minister, who seemed amused, but he looked tired. 

The seating in the South Hall was nothing but long wooden benches, which became uncomfortable after about 5 minutes.  Between that and the lack of sleep, I knew by the time dinner came around, I would be homicidal.

"Right now," the Youth Minister said, "We are going to discuss respect. Respecting your elders, respecting females, but mostly respecting yourself.  I've seen a lot of teens who don't respect themselves, and I can't help but think that maybe if they had better communication with the Lord, they might do better than they are at that moment."

Above us in the large room were several fans which were running at the lowest setting.  They looked like they had seen better days, one of the them having a wobble that made me think that one strong breeze and it would give someone either a haircut, a lobotomy, or both. 

'After droning on for a bit, the Youth Minister introduced the guest, who introduces himself as Bruce.  

"Bruce here drove the entire night just to be here today to talk about respect, so do me a favor and give him your utmost attention.  Once we get done here, then he can go take a nap.  Whaddaya say buddy?" The Youth Minister walked over to Bruce and shook his hand.  

Knowing the reason for the fatigue made it seem more evident, and he looked like I felt.

Bruce was clean shaven, dressed in a nice polo shirt and khaki pants, His voice was deep, but not as deep as Gregory's, who was sitting on the other side of the room.  He was a head taller than the other boys in the area, so he was easy to spot.

For 45 minutes, Bruce explained that he had grown up hating God, hating women, and in a way hating himself.  He had no direction in his life, and for no real reason either.

Then one day, he met a woman.  They had been drinking, and before he knew it, she was pregnant with his child and they weren't even married.  

"I know deep down that we wouldn't have been in that mess if I had God on my side instead of a bottle of tequila." he said, shaking his head.  

The woman refused his marriage proposal, but made it clear that she would get the support she needed to take care of the child from him.  He didn't have a great job, but he did hope to get ahead at some point, and it seemed that all of that was spoiled.  

Then, in her third month, she miscarried, and after that went into a deep depression, attempting suicide twice.  

"I had heard about her second attempt, and I decided that even though I was mad at her for spurning me when I was trying to do the right thing, I was going to visit her to see if there was anything I could do to help.  I was grieving for the loss of my unborn child, and it wasn't fair for me to take my anger out on her when I was just as responsible."  His voice had taken a tone that was almost hypnotic as he told his story.  

Of course, that hypnosis wouldn't hold at all, since my mind was completely focused on the fact that my feet were beginning to tingle as the circulation to my legs was hampered by the uncomfortable bench I was sitting on.

"I went to her hospital room, and she and I had a long talk.  And that was when God spoke to me, right then and there.  He told me to take her hand and apologize to her for the pain and suffering she was still experiencing.  I was crying by then, and so was she.  We decided right then and there that we were going to make things right.  She was going to get help for her addictions and I was going to set things right.  I had given up drinking after the pregnancy was announced, and any chance I might fall off the wagon was gone when that woman miscarried."

Bruce was beginning to sweat, as we all were, but he pulled a bottle of water from inside the podium.  My throat suddenly felt completely dry and parched as I watched him take two long swallows from the bottle.  I looked around to see if there were anymore, but I didn't see any.  

"I went back to visit her that night, and when I got there, her father was there.  For a second, I thought I was in real trouble after everything that had happened, but instead of getting angry, he shook my hand and asked me to sit down.  

He was a minister, and he is responsible for making me who I am today.  God was really talking to me then, because before I left that room, not only had I asked Jesus into my heart, but also I asked that woman to marry me.  This time, she said yes, and we have been married since.  She and I are clean and sober, and happier than we have ever been.  

I drove all night to tell you this because I didn't have someone in front of me when I was your age explaining what it means to have respect.  Maybe if I did, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache."

His lecture went on for another 10 minutes, going over the points about respect for ourselves and the people we love.  He stressed the importance of combining that respect with the grace of God, and that it was a combination that could get us through any problem we might face.  

By this time, I felt like I had been sitting on the toilet this entire time, because my legs were becoming quite numb.  All I wanted to do was stand up and walk around, preferably back to the cabin and get some sleep.  I was beginning to nod off a bit now, and the only thing keeping me awake was the fact that since the benches didn't have backs to them, I would have spilled over if I actually fell asleep.

"Does anyone have any questions for me?" Bruce said, clapping his hands together once as if there was about to be a wave of questions he was going to have to tackle all at once.

But there was a silence, either out of shyness or indifference, and it was very awkward.

Finally, Gregory raised his hand and said, "How does your wife feel about being gone all night to be here?"

Gregory was always asking questions that were innocent, but almost apropos of nothing.  There was another silence as everyone tried to figure out where that line of questioning might lead.

"She came with me," Bruce said, "In fact, she is over in the North Hall talking to the girls, telling the same story."

There was a murmur of satisfied amusement at this, and Bruce had a look on his face as if to say, "I got you all good, didn't I?"

"God," I silently prayed, "either let this be over soon, or don't be mad at me when I pass out."

There were a few more questions, but it seemed then that everyone was just being polite, since the guy drove with this wife all night to speak to us.  Not a moment too soon, one of the Team Leaders from the girls side came over and told us that it was 10 minutes to lunchtime.  

We all looked at the Youth Minister for his permission to leave and he said, "Great!  I'm starving!".

I stood up, and almost fell over, but I managed not to topple over, but it was very difficult getting to the door. I walked like a penguin with an infected toenail until I was half way to the Mess Hall.  

---

I found another quiet spot in the Mess Hall to eat my lunch, and was disappointed to discover that Gregory was nowhere to be found.  I had hoped to have a replay of the day before, and this time I had planned on being nicer to the guy.  Fatigue was settling in, and I hate my lunch quickly.  I knew that a shower would probably wake me up enough to get me through the next workshop, which was still a mystery to me.

After eating, I went to the cabin and found Gregory sitting on his bunk.  He was staring at the floor, an blank expression on his face, which melted away when I walked in and said hello.

"Hey, Little Guy." he said, smiling, "You have lunch?"

I climbed onto my bunk and said, "Yeah, ham sandwiches.  Why didn't you go?"

"Thought I would skip lunch." he said, looking down again.

I opened my suitcase and grabbed my towel.  I climbed down again, and Gregory said, "You going swimming?  There isn't a lot of time before our next....thing." 

"Uh....yeah." I said, not wanting to explain that I was hoping to shower alone.  I was also scared that I might *accidentally* invite him to come wash my back.  

Gregory's expressed concern as he said, "Don't be late.  I don't think the Youth Minister would like it if you skipped out."

"Know what this one is about?" I asked, hoping he had a clue.

"Nope," he said, "I just hope there aren't any more sad stories."

This was the moment that changed everything for me that week.  I hadn't considered having Gregory as a friend, in fact I had planned on keeping him at a distance because of my mistrust of anyone older than me and my physical attraction to him.  But, hearing the genuine sweetness in his voice at his dismay of hearing a sad story, I realized that I was beginning to like him as a friend.  

"Me too." I said, and I waved goodbye as I headed to the showerhouse.

---

Luck was with me, the showerhouse was empty.  Even so, I called out, "Anyone here?"  I knew there would be no response, but if there was one thing I hated, it was being caught by surprise.

The showerhouse was surprisingly clean, not at all what I expected.  In my mind's eye, I imagined that since we were in the middle of the woods, that the amenities would be rustic and dirty with "signs of nature" all over the place.

While it was far from looking brand new, it was an area that put my mind at ease, since it almost had a familiar feel to it.  The white tile, the scent of soaps, the lingering humidity, all of these things allowed my mind to take a break from the high strung stance it had been on since my arrival.

I stripped, piling my clothes onto a nearby bench, and I grabbed my towel and soap.

The first shower I found provided me with lots of hot water almost immediately, and I slipped further into a somewhat calm state.  This was both a good and bad thing since now that my mind was beginning to settle down, my fatigue crashed down on me like a heavy weight.  

Despite my fatigue however, was another feeling, one that had been stifled by my panic.  Thoughts of Gregory began to form in my mind; his deep voice, his thick frame, and those massive hands.  

I didn't realize that I had an erection until I heard the door to the showerhouse squeal open.  I panicked and turned around, facing away from the door, hoping that I could get rid of the problem before it was noticed.

I took my soap and began to rub it into my hair, not knowing what else to do.  Even while I was doing it, I realized it was wrong, but I had to do *something*.  I was about to be caught with an erection standing in a shower, and I wanted to make it look like, if nothing else, it was the scent of the soap that was doing it for me.

Or something like that.

I turned to see who had come in, and a part of my mind hoped that it would be Gregory.  As terrifying of a prospect as that was, it was also a glorious one.  My erection swelled with jubilation at the thought of it.

But it wasn't Gregory that came in, but rather Bruce.  He had a bag with him, and that was all I could see just as soap went into both of my eyes.

He didn't say a word as I stood there trying to blink out the soap.  I was blinded, and the pain was enough to deflate my problem.  

By the time I could see again, I looked at him and he was stripped to the waist.  While his face was clean shaven, that polo shirt that he sported so nicely was actually hiding a full pelt of course black hair and a chest that was naturally broad.  His arms were large too, but he didn't seem like he did a lot of working out.  Maybe in the past, but not now.

I looked away, feeling myself becoming aroused again, and I could hear the distinct sound of a belt being unbuckled.  

This couldn't be happening.  My mind was telling me to stay and leave at the same time.  My panic of being in the woods was voting to stay, because it needed a rest.  My crotch was telling me to stay because of Bruce.  Which left my mind's half vote of leaving outdone by 2 and a half votes to stay.

I couldn't turn around again without it becoming obvious that I was going to watch him strip, so I forced myself to face away from him.  I continued to soap my hair, afraid to go any lower towards my problem area.  

My stinging eyes caught a glimpse of Bruce heading to the shower on the other end of the area, and I looked.  His entire body was covered with hair, and it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.  If my erection was throbbing before, it was *singing* now.

I turned away from him again, not knowing what else to do.

"Yeah, I was shy too at your age.  Don't worry, once you get to high school, you'll be used to it by then." Bruce said without provocation.

I froze and said, "Used to what?"

"You're gonna have to shower like this a lot in school, and it takes some getting used to." he said, and I looked to find him lathering up.  I could feel my pulse in my ears, and it matched the rhythm of my erection.

I decided that it was time to leave.  I wasn't sure how clean I was, but I didn't care.  Logic told me that once I stepped outside, I wasn't really going to feel clean anyway.  I rinsed, careful to remain facing away from Bruce, then turned off the water.  

I turned to walk away and he said, "So, did you come away from the workshop with anything?"

His voice, which I wasn't really expecting anymore, drew my attention to him and I turned to face him.  There he stood, his naked body covered in water, smiling innocently.  

My erection exploded unexpectedly right then, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  Up until that moment, I thought if I left it alone, that wouldn't happen.

I tried to cover it up, but it was too late.  He looked away uncomfortably and turned around, not saying another word.  I let out a mortified whimper and half walked, half ran to where my clothes and towel were.  I used the towel to dry off and clean up the mess, and I was terrified to see that I had left a mess in the middle of the floor.  I ran over and accidentally wiped it up with my shirt, my mind racing too fast to care.  

I hastily put on my clothes, which was difficult considering that I was still mostly wet, and got out of there as fast as I could.  I didn't look back.

---

I crashed into the cabin almost on the brink of tears, only to find that all of my bunkmates were sitting around and having a serious discussion.  Gregory was lying on his side on his bed, and he said hi to me as I stood at the door.  Everyone turned to look at me, and my mind went completely blank.  I needed time to think, and to figure out how I was going to explain what happened if I should be confronted with it, but I couldn't do that with a bunch of people around.

Without a word, I turned around and I went back out.  I heard Gregory call asking if I was alright, but I didn't answer.  I thought for a second, then remembered the clearing by the lake I had discovered that morning when I was trying to get away from Debbie.

I walked to the clearing, and I found a place to sit down.  I sat in the dirt, and I drew my knees up to my chest.  I was aware that my jeans had damp spots, and I could smell semen on my wrinkled shirt.  I was a mess.  

I heard footsteps and turned to see Gregory heading in my direction.  He had that "Thick Man Strut" going, which was in stark contrast to the look of genuine concern on his face.

"Hey Little Guy, you alright?" he said as he approached.

"I'm fine." I said, burying my face in my arms.  

He kneeled down and said, "No, you ain't.  I see you ain't." 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jerked away saying, "Don't touch me!"  My body felt completely electric and sensitive, and I couldn't handle anymore confusion.  

"Whoa!" he said, backing away, almost falling.

I buried my face again, and there was the sound of the afternoon ringing in my ears.  

I didn't looked up at all when he got up and walked away.  For the second time in two days, I had spurned his friendship, this time probably for good.  

I felt like screaming, but instead, I just quietly cried.

---

I could hear the other boys in my cabin laughing and joking as they left the cabin, and I looked at my watch and was startled to discover that I had 10 minutes to get to the next event.  We were promised some fun this time around as opposed to a sit down lecture like we had that morning.

I ran to the cabin thinking it would be empty, but Gregory was there.  

"Hey." he said.

He didn't call me Little Guy, and that was a bad sign.

"Hey," I said, "I'm sorry about...."

He looked at me with hurt eyes, which seemed out of place with his gruff exterior and said, "Have people been talking about me?"

I blinked in surprise.  For a second I just stared and said, "I don't talk to anybody."

"So," he said, looking down, "no one's been talking to you about me then?"

"Uh.....no." I replied, feeling confused.

And awkward silence came between us, and I realized that Gregory was going to be late too.  I told him what time it was and he said, "I know, I just wanted to make sure you were coming.  You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just....freaked out about something." I said, climbing up to the top bunk where my suitcase was to change.

I was really surprised and touched that he didn't ask me anymore questions. In my experience up to that point, he was a rarity.

---

I hated icebreakers.  I hated being forced to socialize with people at random.  Had I known we were going to do this, I would have feign sickness and stayed at the cabin.  The way this retreat was going, I would have feigned near death just to be sent home.

We were all handed numbers at random, then had to find our group based on the number that we picked.  Each group was assigned a leader, and the game was on.

The icebreaker was located in the gymnasium, which was used for sports in inclement weather.  There were basketball hoops up and what looked like a volleyball net tucked in the corner.  

Each group sat 10 people, and each group was assigned a leader.  First, we introduced ourselves, and I was dismayed to see that I didn't really know anyone in this group.  All of the teens I knew, or at least that I was familiar with, always seemed to avoid me unintentionally so far. Or at least I hoped it was unintentional.

We were asked to introduce ourselves with our names, our ages, and one thing about ourselves that we felt guilty about.  

Everyone groaned, but I think mine was the most genuine.  After what had happened earlier, I really didn't want to be spilling anything at that point, not even secrets.

"Hi, I'm Bill, and I'm 15, and I discovered that I can have an orgasm without touching myself just by looking at a hairy man.  Don't worry, I wiped it up with the shirt I was wearing, which is now crusting up nicely back at the cabin."

That statement would break the ice as successfully as the Titanic, and with the same results.

The introductions were pretty standard, with only one girl admitting anything that was considered shocking.  She admitted that she wasn't a virgin, having had sex with her boyfriend the previous year, who then broke up with her.  I had to give her credit, she didn't cry like I expected, but she did get looks of pity and light condemnation from the others in the group.  I just looked down, not feeling it was my place to judge.

Other kids expressed their guilt about not praying enough, or not going to church.  Then it came to me, and I drew a blank.  Right then, the only thing I felt guilty about was the incident in the showerhouse, and I wasn't about to admit *that* right then.

I closed my eyes, not knowing what I was going to say, and I blurted out, "My name is Bill, I'm 15 years old and...."

Nothing.

"And...."

Still nothing.

Then I just said the first thing that came to mind and said it before I had time to think.

"And I'm not a virgin either."

The response was immediate.  While the other admitted non-virgin got quiet disapproval, I got outright shocked reactions.  I didn't think a two year difference in age meant anything, but I guess it did.

The leader of our group, whose name was Michelle, said, "Alright, now, it isn't our place to judge.  What Bill and Molly have told us are exactly the kind of honesty that helps us become better Christians.  Jesus already knows what's in our hearts, but in order to help each other, we have to know each other."

Oh, she was good.  She had done this before.  I could tell.

"That's what this icebreaker is all about. It's about being honest with ourselves.  We are all guilty of not praying enough, or wanting to get out of bed to go to church, but those are peanuts compared to giving up your chastity and committing *real* sin."

I didn't like the way that sounded.

There was only one more teen in the circle, and he admitted to having thoughts about girls all the time.  The torment on his face was real, and I could tell he was beating himself up over it.

Before the leader could say anything, one of the other girls asked, "Can I change mine?" 

"Hold onto it, Julia.  Let's just move on for now and just talk."

I suspected that our leader was scared that we were all going to talk about our raging hormones, and I didn't think that was what she was prepared for.  It was only the first full day and it was already revealed that two of us were complete whores.

What the icebreakers purpose was to help us to deal with guilt, and giving ourselves to God to change our ways.  The message was, that if you didn't do anything to make you feel guilty, then you wouldn't feel guilty.  

There was a flaw in that logic that I noticed immediately.  I didn't do anything that afternoon but take a shower, and without even putting any effort into it, I did something that people would consider tacky at best, and soul threatening at worst.  I felt guilty, but I couldn't put my finger on what I could have done to prevent it from happening.  

I went along with the "not a virgin" excuse, which I had no way of knowing at the time that mutual masturbation, kissing and frottage weren't necessarily losing your virginity.  I didn't have to go into detail at least, and that was a good thing.

We all talked for an hour, then the Youth Minister called out that it was time for one last prayer, then it was free time until dinner.  After dinner there would be a concert in the mess hall with a local Christian group, followed by another bonfire.  We were promised a "Acoustic Jam Session" with the singing group, and everyone was a buzz about that.  

We prayed, and we left the gymnasium.  

---

Dinner was served while the band was setting up their equipment.  I sat in my usual spot, and half way through eating my meal, Gregory came over with his massive tray of food.  I had looked around for Bruce, but he was nowhere to be found.  I guessed he and his wife left shortly after Bruce's shower, off to either another presentation, or home.  Either way, I was glad I didn't have to face either of them.  

"Hey Little Guy." Gregory said, and sat down without invitation, not that I minded.

The band tested and checked, even breaking into an impromptu acoustic version of "Jesus Loves Me", that ended with applause from everyone.  

On the hour, the band announced that they were getting ready to start, and everyone moved quickly to put away their trays.  

The band began to play with a loud chord, and I screamed in shock.  It was a loud contrast to the mic checks and the little kids hymn that they did.  Gregory laughed, but not unkindly.

The lead vocalist, a clean cut middle aged man with hair down to his shoulders, actually had a good voice.  The guitarist and bassist seemed to really enjoy themselves and the drummer was extremely enthusiastic.  

It was a standard fare, with teens dancing to the upbeat songs, and raising their hands in praise to the slow songs.  

During all of this, I got bored.  I sat near the back, sipping on a punch that was provided, and Gregory stood with me.  We yelled to each other on occasion, and I could tell that he was just as bored as I was.  But we figured it would be rude to walk out.  We would have been the only two.  

Eventually, the band ended their set and everyone began to mingle. Some of the girls swooned over the band, and a few of the guys began to make air guitar/drum motions with some of the members.  I turned to leave just as people began asking for autographs, and Gregory followed.  

"I used to have a drum set." Gregory said, as we stepped outside.  It was getting close to dusk, and I could feel the panic creeping in.  I had been doing well so far, but I knew it wouldn't last forever.  

I said, "What happened to it?"

"Mom got rid of it, 'cause she hated it." he said, his voice turning slightly resentful.  It tripped a red flag in my head, and I let it go.

We walked in silence for a bit, and he said, "Are you going to the fire tonight?"

I thought again about the broken s'mores Gregory made the night before, and smiled.  Then I thought about the bonfire, and being near it, and I could feel the smile fade.

"No, I think I'll read." I said, trying not to sound nervous.

"You don't like fire, do you?" he asked, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

I couldn't think of anything to say other than, "No."

I thought there was going to be questions, but as I did before, Gregory just let it go.  He told me he was going to the fire, and asked me if I wanted anymore s'mores if they made them.  I told him Thanks for No Thanks, and we parted ways.  

I got back to the empty cabin, and settled in for the night.  I had no intention of leaving the cabin except for bathroom breaks, and I was going to read.  I hoped to get some sleep.

---

The trees were closing in, and I could hear the sounds of breaking twigs all over.  I was naked, but I was carrying my clothes in my arms.  I knew why I was naked, but only in the dream.  The knowledge never took form.

I started to walk in a direction, and that was when the screaming started.  It was shrieks of pain and agony that was almost inhuman, but I knew that it was.  

I froze, and the screaming stopped.  

I knew I couldn't just stay there, that I had to find shelter or THEY would find me.  It was night, and despite the darkness, it did little to hide you when what was hunting you could smell your fear.

Shadows moved, and more twigs broke.  Then, without warning, all of the trees burst into flames and in that light, I could see the burning bodies of my pursuers.  But rather than being deterred by the flames, they seemed to revel in them, and I could see with stunning clarity the smiles on their faces as the meat feel from their skulls. 

They beckoned for me to join them.

---

I awoke in the dark, a scream caught in my throat.  I had no idea if I had made noise before then, but in the dark stillness of the cabin, I didn't sense anyone stirring.  

I was disoriented, since I didn't remember falling asleep.  It was still twilight the last I remember, then nothing but the horrible nightmare.

All I wanted at that point was to go home.  I didn't like feeling so helpless and alone, without even a place to go to where I could relax and just be.  I thought this retreat was going to help, but so far it was nothing but misery.

I lay there, tears singing my eyes, trying not to cry.  

I felt the bed shift, and the sound of rustling below me.  There was something soothing about it, but not nearly enough to make me feeling much better.  But it was soothing nonetheless.

I looked at my watch and saw that it was 3am.  I knew I wouldn't sleep again, and there was nothing I could really do. It was too dark to read, and I was too scared to leave the cabin.

My bladder suddenly needed attention, and I realized that I could at least go to the side of the cabin.  I wasn't sure if this was allowed, but since Gregory had done it the night before, I guessed it was alright.  This was nature after all.

I climbed down and went outside, urinating urgently and without thinking about the outside darkness.  

As I went back into the cabin, I heard a whisper from the bottom bunk.  

"Hey, you ok?" Gregory said.  He really needed to learn how to whisper more efficiently.  I bet the entire campground heard.

"Yes." I hissed.

Despite the darkness, I could see a hand motioning me to come closer.  I did, and Gregory said as quietly as he could, "You were having a nightmare.  I heard it."

I didn't say anything.

"Maybe it's because you read scary books." he whispered.

"Maybe." I whispered back, "I have another book that isn't as scary, though."

"Oh. You should read that.  Or the bible.  That can help too."

I kept my mouth shut. The only thing that the bible ever did was confuse me even further.

Gregory moved, and pulled a flashlight from nearby. I had no idea why he kept it there, but it was a sight for sore eyes, though I doubted he knew how much.

"Go read your bible for a while, then maybe you won't have nightmares anymore."  He assumed I had a bible with me, which I didn't.

I took the flashlight and thanked him.  He reached up and patted my head.  I stood up again, putting the flashlight on my mattress.  I started to climb up.

"Good night." Gregory said, not whispering again.

"Night." I whispered back.  

Back in bed, I took the flashlight and used it to continue my book.  The horrors of the book where nothing compared to the horrors of my mind, and I was able to read all about it until morning.  I might have been reprimanded for the flashlight, but I didn't care.  I might have used up all of the juice in the batteries, but I didn't care about that either.  

I read until morning, and was almost done with the book by then.  The imagery in the book was scary yes, but those demons were easy to defeat. 

The ones in my heart had much thicker armor.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

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