365 Days Of Me: January 16 -- The Retreat (Part Four)

(THE DECISION)

"You're putting me in an awkward spot." Todd said to me as I sat with him in the empty mess hall.  He was one of the counselors that arrived the day before, sent from the Church to act as spiritual advisors for the next couple of days.  The plan was that as the week went on, we would discover who we were as Christians, then we would discover how we could become better disciples of Christ.

That was the plan, anyway.

My plan was to get the first ride back home before the day was out.  While I was a bit more rested, I realized that showers were now out of the question, and I wasn't really making the friends I had hoped.  It was like being back in school, except these were supposed to be the *good* people, who loved me no matter what.

But at breakfast that morning, I decided that I would follow the other boys in my cabin and try to sit with them.  I was the youngest in the cabin, but they really were the only people I was exposed to regularly.  But as I sat down next to them, I immediately felt like I was intruding.  There was no "hello", no "good morning", no greeting of any type.

I ate my food quietly, too shy to try and make my way into the conversation.  

Eventually, the boys had finished their meals and left without even as much as a glance at me.  

I suddenly felt very foolish, sitting exposed in the middle of the mess hall, rather than in my quiet corner.  I finished the rest of my food and left the mess hall as quickly as I could.

There was another workshop/lecture in the same hall as the day before, but I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going.  I went back to the cabin, and gathered my few belongings.  I went to my little clearing to think, and to wait until I knew everyone was going to be at their respective workshops.

I sat there for what seemed like quite a bit of time, then I ventured to the mess hall to see if anyone was there.  It was the center of operations when there wasn't a meal or gathering going on, so I was hoping someone would be there.

And that's where I found Todd, who was giving me a look of confusion and disapproval when I told him that I wanted to leave.  That look only hardened when I refused to answer why.

It wasn't just the isolation.  It was the fact that I was on my own for the very first time and I wasn't dealing with it well.  I was accustomed to having a place to go when things got too rough on me.  I wasn't used to being out in the open in the middle of one of the things I feared the most.  It wasn't even a rational fear, it was just mindless and unrelenting.  

The incident in the shower the day before didn't help either.

Todd was sitting one of the long benches with his hands folded on the table.  His thumbs drummed on the wood as he pondered the situation, and that made me nervous.  I was also feeling a bit resentful to be silently ridiculed because I didn't want to hang around anymore.  I obviously wasn't getting out of The Retreat what I was supposed to.

"What was your name again?" he asked.

"Bill." I said, trying hard to sound like I was completely sure I knew what I was doing.

Todd's thumbs drummed a bit faster as he said, "Bill, the problem is that we can't spare anyone to be away for 6 hours while they take you home."

"But," I said, surprised, "it's only a 3 hour drive."

Todd's thumbs stopped drumming as he said, "Yes, that's true.  One way. Then they would need to drive back.  And to be honest, since you won't tell me why you want to go home, I can't imagine that it is an emergency, which is the only thing I can think of that would justify...."

"Can someone come pick me up?" I asked.

 "That could be set up...I guess.  But, I really wish you wouldn't do that.  I know it's hard being younger than most of the kids here, but if you only give it a chance, I'm sure you will find your place."

I was stunned as he said this.  Didn't he understand?  This Retreat was *supposed* to be "my place".  I had expected to be accepted and made part of the group automatically.  I don't know why I thought this, and as I sat there across from Todd, I felt foolish for thinking it.

"Give it another day." Todd said, "If you feel the same in the morning, I'll take you home myself.  Deal?"

I thought about it.  Actually, I pretended to think about it.  I didn't like the deal at all, but I didn't want to come off as a jerk.  But I just didn't think I could make it through another night.  By morning, I could be insane for all I knew.

I was about to politely decline, when it occurred to me that if I went home now, any chance I had with making any friends at that church would be completely destroyed.  I couldn't even handle one week away from home, and I was going to slink home with my tail between my legs.  

I didn't have any sort of friends at Church, despite my efforts.  I was seen as odd, part of it being that I wasn't white, and on top of that, I was just considered bizarre.  I had crying jags, a sensitive stomach, and I was pretty twitchy.  People tended to avoid me simply because it was easier that way.

But right then, I reconsidered going home.  It was the only time in my entire life that I ever had the need to conform before or since.  

"Deal." I said to Todd, and he smiled broadly.

"Good deal then!" he said, perking up that this problem was averted. 

We prayed then, or at least he did.  I couldn't concentrated long enough to have a conversation with anyone right then, because I had to come up with something to make things me be more normal.

---

According to Gregory, I missed out on the most boring lecture ever created.  I asked him what it was about, and he said that he didn't know.  He fell asleep.  I thought he was joking until I heard the other boys in the cabin imitating his snoring. 

Apparently, the Youth Minister wasn't amused, and just before lunch, the two of them had a talk about it.  The other boys in the cabin got serious about it, and when Gregory came back, they seemed offended when he tried to laugh it off.  

I was on my bunk reading my book, feeling the tension in the air and hating it.  Gregory looked stricken as he went to his bunk, and the other boys just sort of ignored him.  

The bell sounded in the middle of the campground which was the signal for lunch, and everyone except Gregory made for the door.  

I turned to him and said, "You coming?"

Gregory didn't respond.  At first, I thought he was asleep, but then I saw that his eyes were open and just staring up.  

After the other boys left, I asked him if he was alright.

"I'm not hungry." he said, sulking a bit.

I said, "Well, you don't have to eat.  Just come with me."

He looked at me and said, "Why?"

I sighed, and told him about what had happened at breakfast that morning.  His eyes fixed on me as I talked, and when I was finished, he got out of bed.  

"Alright." he said, and I smiled.  

It wasn't how I had intended my plan to work, but I would take it.  

---

For the first time since I arrived at The Retreat, I had a pretty good time.  I actually laughed a couple of times.  Gregory, on the other hand, laughed quite a bit.  The conversation was juvenile, but to kids our age, it was absolutely hilarious.  

After the food was all eaten, the conversation turned a bit serious.  He asked me why I was so scared all of the time.  I didn't like the fact that the subject changed so quickly, but I swore that I wasn't going to be moody anymore.  

Still, I didn't want to get into it, so instead I just told him that camping wasn't my thing. I didn't like bugs, I didn't like the heat, and I didn't like the beds.  I told him I wanted to be home in my own bed, reading, or playing video games.  

He nodded his head, and seemed to be satisfied with that answer. I didn't lie, I just didn't tell him everything.  Still, I felt a pang of guilt at that.

There was very little time between lunch and the next activity, and I knew I had to go to make up for the one that I missed that morning. I told Gregory that I would keep him awake if I needed to, and he seemed to take me seriously.  I suddenly became very excited about going to the workshop which I was beginning to discover was really more of a sermon.  I was going to be able to sit next to Gregory, and any time I spent with him was time well spent.

The South Hall was still hot and uncomfortable, and I had to wonder how anyone could fall asleep on those stupid wooden benches.

This time, Gregory and I sat together, and I warned him that I would elbow him in the ribs if he started to nod off.  He grunted, but nodded his head.

The Youth Minister approached the podium and greeted us.  His voice was somber, and he began the activity with a prayer.  We all bowed our heads, and the Youth Minister spoke in a humble voice.

The prayer was one that rehashed previous ones, asking for mercy and guidance throughout this trek we were taking, discovering our relationship with God.  He asked that our hearts be open to His word and that we would follow the path that we were meant to take.

This last part was a new addition to his standard prayer, and it was probably the most striking thing he had said since the retreat began.  For me, anyway, it was in direct opposition to the rest of what everyone had been saying to me.  

Follow the path we were meant to take.

My mind wandered, as it often did even outside The Retreat, thinking about the possibilities that were available to me.  I was overwhelmed with the thought that the one path that everyone else was taking was very limiting, and from what I could see, not all that rewarding. 

At the same time, I felt a pang of guilt.  This spiritual path, the same as the rest of the young people in the Retreat, was but one that was available, but it was the only one I knew.  According to every person with authority within the Church, even considering other paths had serious consequences.

I had enough on my mind rather than deal with that.

The prayer was over, and in the same tone as the prayer, the Youth Minister began to speak.

"I'm looking out at all of you, and I see a lot of hopeful faces.  I also see a lot of young men who are in serious trouble." he said.

Everyone began to shift uncomfortably, both from his words and the hard benches.  I began to feel anxiety, trying to think what it is that we could have done to get ourselves in trouble with the Youth Minister.

A very faint smile crept on the right side of the Youth Minister's mouth and he held up his hands as if we had been shouting in protest, "Now, I didn't say you did anything wrong, just that you were in trouble.  It's a very harsh world out there, full of temptation.  Temptation of your purity, and your faith.

As you know, this Retreat's purpose is to prepare you for that world, but I have to be honest with you, the things you learn this week aren't going to be enough to save you.

You've already shared with each other some of your stories.  I have received word that some of you already know how cold and uncaring the world can be, especially to a Christian.  I've watched some of you and can already tell that you haven't the faintest clue what is out there.  

Well, starting now, this very *minute*, everything is going to change.  You are going to be challenged and tested.  You are going to bare your soul and find comfort in each other's stories.  It isn't going to be easy, but if you can tell us, your brothers, about the your deepest darkest secrets, then the stains in your life can finally  lift away."

I looked over at Gregory, expecting him to be nodding off or even asleep, but he wasn't.  Instead, he was staring at the Youth Minister, eyes full of fear. He was pale, and for a moment it looked like he was going to be violently ill.  Seeing Gregory completely disarmed like that made me realize the ramifications of the Youth Minister's words.

He wanted for us to admit to everyone our deepest darkest secret.

I suddenly felt like Gregory looked.  

---

I walked into the cabin later that evening just before dinner to see if Gregory was ready to head to the mess hall. After the workshop that afternoon, he was very quiet and he wandered off.  I sensed that he wanted to be alone, so I gave him his space, but when I saw that his bunk was empty and he was nowhere to be found, I wondered if that was a mistake.

I wasn't about to go wandering around trying to find him.  Dusk was approaching and my nerves were already starting to jangle. I was getting into the habit of hanging out either in the cabin, or in the mess hall which, in between meals, acted as a social gathering place for cards, chat, or bible study.  I would usually find a deck of cards and play Solitaire.  

I stood by the bunkbed that I shared with Gregory thinking about where he might be.  Chances were good that he was walking the trails, a place I wouldn't dare to venture.  

He was too shy to hang out in another cabin.  He could talk guy stuff with the other boys in our cabin, but outside of that he was quiet and kept to himself.  

I had a sudden thought, and as soon as it occurred to me, I knew instantly that it was probably a correct guess.  I didn't even wait to think it through, I just turned around and went toward the lake to the clearing that I had discovered.

I wasn't sure if he had been sitting there the entire time, but I did know he had been sitting there for quite a while.  As soon as I approached, he turned to me and I could see that whatever was bothering him earlier was still weighing heavily on him.

"Hey." I said, not knowing how else to approach him.  I had no idea if he still wanted to be alone, and braced myself for a dismissal if it came to that.

"Hey, Little Guy." he said, turned back to face the lake, which was quiet and still for a change.

I sat down next to him, but not too closely even though I wanted to, and I asked, "Why do you call me that?"

"It bother you?" he asked with almost no emotion in his voice.

I looked at him, studying his face in an attempt to read him and said, "No, I just wanted to know."

For a second, I thought I was going to get an explanation, but he just continued to stare without saying anything.  

"Do you want me to go?" I asked, assuming the answer as I began to stand up.

He turned and grabbed my arm.  I sat down again hard, and his face went to shock as he realized he had grabbed me harder than he intended.  His hand was strong, and I felt a surge of desire that confused me.

He looked at me apologetically and said, "Sorry, I just need to talk to you.  That ok?"

"Yeah, sure." I said, fighting to rub my arm where he had grabbed it. No sense in making him feel worse.

There was some silence, and I wondered if he really wanted me to talk.  I found it difficult to be around him without my imagination going crazy, and his silence allowed my mind to create a scenario that by talking, he actually meant making out.

"Are you going to tell your secret?" he asked.

My stomach became a cold knot of lead and I actually became nauseous for a moment.  How had he known?  Did someone find out about what happened in the shower?  If he knew, and he was still talking to me, did that mean.....?

"No." I said hesitantly.

"You have to, and so do I." he said.  

"How...." I stammered, "....how do you know my secret?"

He looked at me and said, "I don't.  And you don't know mine.  But we ain't tellin'."

"Why won't you tell yours?" I asked, that cold ball of lead being replaced with a hot ball of curiosity. 

He continued to look at me, obviously trying to form the words to fit what was in his head.  The fact that he didn't have the "smarts" like everyone else embarrassed him, and when he had to stop and think, he felt vulnerable.  That much I knew without him telling me.

"You're the only friend I have here." he finally said.  It didn't go with what we were talking about, so I took the subject change and went with it.

"What about the other guys." I asked. I had always felt that they were his friends in some way.

"Nah, they are just guys.  I can't talk to them." he said.

"Oh." I said.

There was awkward silence, only broken by the sound of a fish breaking the surface of the lake.

I was about to boldly ask him why I was different, hoping it would lead to the revelation that we both had the same secret when he said, "Do you think maybe we could tell each other our secrets?"

"I thought you didn't want to tell yours." I said, my heart racing.

He cringed and said, "I don't.  Not in front of everybody.  But I have to tell *someone*, don't I?  Maybe if I do, then they won't make me tell everyone."

Again, I wanted to ask him why he had picked me, and if I hadn't been almost dizzy from my excitement, I might have.

The sound of a woman using a megaphone was signal that dinner was being served, but neither of us moved.

"I'm not hungry." Gregory said.

I lied and said that I wasn't either.  

"Liar." Gregory said, and knocked me over onto my side.  My mind pictured him climbing on top of me.

"You wanna sit with me?" I asked.

Looking back out onto the lake, he said, "Nah."

I stood up, then I asked, "You want me to come back after dinner so we can talk?" 

"No." he said, and it was like he had slapped me in the face. 

"Okay." I said, walking away, off to dinner.  I looked back just before I lost sight of him as I walked toward the mess hall, and saw that he had covered his face with his hands.  Whether or not he was crying, I couldn't tell.

---

I respected his wish to be left alone, but it wasn't easy. After dinner there was another concert, this time by married couple singing acoustic folk songs.  Their set was more of a confirmation of faith rather than a concert, and I was extremely uncomfortable, and I left early.

I went to the cabin to get some reading done, but I found it difficult to concentrate.  The urge to find Gregory was strong, but my fear of upsetting him further was stronger.

The other guys, who always seemed to roam as a pack, came in a short time before lights out.  My concern grew with each minute, and just before we were supposed to turn out the lights, I climbed out of the top bunk and went after Gregory.  

I found him where I left him, still just sitting there.  

"It's lights out." I said, bracing myself for whatever retaliation I was going to experience for not respecting his wish to be left alone.  

Without a word, he got up and walked to where I was standing.  

"Thanks," was all he said.

I don't know why I did it, but I blurted out, "I don't like girls.  Not in....that way.  That's my secret.  You don't have to tell me yours."

He cocked his head, and I suddenly felt that I had made a terrible mistake.  

Then he said, "I done knew that." 

My jaw dropped open, and that lead back was back in my stomach.  "How did..."

"I'm going to bed." he said, and walked past me, leaving me stunned and confused.  I wish I hadn't told him that he didn't have to tell me his, now that I realized that he had me at a disadvantage.

Finding myself alone, at night, in the clearing gave me a shock of fear that got me moving back to the cabin.  By the time I entered, Gregory was climbing into his bed.  

I wanted to join him.  Not in a sexual way, but just to be near him.  But, I wouldn't do that unless invited, and not with all of the other boys in the cabin.

As I climbed up to my bunk, Gregory whispered, "G'night, Little Guy."

I stopped half way up the ladder and smiled.  Everything was fine between the two of us, and that was good enough for me.  

As I climbed into my sleeping bag, it occurred to me that I had decided that I was going to stay after all.  I would tell Todd in the morning.

I had no way of knowing that in less than 24 hours, I would regret that decision to stay.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.  As an added bonus, I slept without dreams.

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