Early Morning This and That: July 27th, 2010

1.  Bad Dream

Had a bad dream last night, which is why I was awake at 6:20 this morning.  Not gonna get into the contents of the bad dream, there is no point, but it I woke up feeling a little edgy and stressed.  The good side of it is that it made me think, "I guess I should blog about what's going on."  Why I put those two things together are hard to explain.

2.  ...

I guess I should start with this.  In the last 6 months or so, the isolation I feel living in a small town has been starting to get to me.  I haven't done much traveling lately, and this tends to happen when I find myself stationary for long stretches of time.  Wanderlust doesn't even begin to cover what I feel.

In the last year, I have taken some major steps in planting roots here in Shelbyville.  They are good roots, don't get me wrong, like becoming active in the local theatre and the possibility of Bill and I refinancing the house, but I am planting roots in the last place I would.

Even though my Stand Up gives me regular opportunities to travel, there is something about permanent roots here that...well...makes me feel that there are a lot of opportunities that are going to pass me by.  Every post I read online from someone experiencing something new, something fun, something full of city life, I look at those roots and I sigh. 

Another aspect of my isolation, and this is a big one, is that for the first time in my life, my "individualism" is causing me grief.  This is a new feeling, and it is mostly caused by constantly being surrounded by those who can't help but remind me that I simply don't belong. 

I'm a free talker, meaning that I love having conversations with no limits.  I also love having conversations with no point, but that's a different issue.

But around here, conversations with no limits have been...well...limited to a select few.  As far as everyone else, I have to pick and choose my words carefully, something I have never been able to do without making myself tired.

"So," someone says to me, "my wife and I were on vacation last month and she gets all pissed because...."

I used to smile and absorb the story, enjoying it whether it's well told or not.  Sometimes an awkwardly told story is something you just have to refine in your mind on the fly, which is a fun little game.

Anymore, however, I just smile, and inwardly cringe.  I know it's coming, and I can't do a damn thing about it.

"....and she gets all quiet," the guy says to me, "and I know I'm in the trouble again.  Does your woman ever do that to you?"

There is an old me.  A younger, more reckless me that had an automatic response to that sort of assumption.  He's gone now, replaced by a guy who thinks of this sort of response, and thinks again, "But I *live* here.  These people can make living here even more awkward.  Don't be an ass."

I hate that guy. 

So, instead, I just say the one thing I can.  Something that I rarely ever say sincerely.

"..."

But that isn't the only time I have to say that.  Even more so, discussions of activities at church provide me with more opportunities to not say anything.

I didn't really get a grip on my Atheism until after I moved here, and I can say that the adjustment was quick, but jarring.  In fact, it wasn't until I met my good friend Khrystyne that I felt comfortable being a bit more open about it because she is an Atheist to, and I felt that I had someone at my back at least.  Not that my husband wouldn't have my back, but he is the type that wouldn't divulge that information, or any information, if he could help it.  Besides, he is a Believer.

"What church do you go to?" someone asks me. 

"Well," I say, "I don't."

I wish like hell this would be the end of the conversation, but it isn't.  It brings more questions.  Why not?  Have I not found one I'm comfortable with yet?  Where do I get my spiritual guidance.

There is an old me.  A younger, more reckless me that had an automatic response to that line of questioning.  He's gone now, never really having a chance in a city where Wal-Mart sold out of The Passion Of The Christ.  Twice.  The reckless guy was replaced by a guy who is tired.  Tired of looks of concern and consternation.  Tired, in general, of having to justify my belief system in a line of conversation I never even began to begin with.

So when people ask me what church I go to, my response is usually,

"..."

I thought maybe joining the local theatre would help, since people who enjoy the stage tend to be much less judgmental, and while that is mostly true, that isn't always the case.  And those who are judgmental also have the flair for the dramatic.  Toss in that small community theatres often become close in the two months while working on a production, and I find myself dishing out a whole lot of "..."

In this day and age, there is one place where a person can go that is as free as you can get, the internet.  To me, the internet is just like the Big City, where you have your normal people, freaks, geeks, hate mongers, and all around assholes just waiting to respond to something you say.  But overall, it's a comfortable place for me to go, because for everyone one person who hates something I say, there are three people who come to my defense.

In short, I have no use for "..." on the internet.

Except for one place.  That would be Facebook.

I like Facebook.  It sates my short attention span, it keeps me in touch with people I have in my life, but are too far away to interact with personally.  I'm not afraid to say that I love playing little games like Farmville and Cafe World to pass what little time I have in place of the long video game marathons I crave.

There are people I know who hate Facebook.  They hate Facebook's privacy policy, they hate the sheep mentality, and mostly, they hate Farmville.  Boy, do they hate Farmville.  And they tell me about it.

My response?

"..." 

Where am I going with this?  What, you thought I wasn't going somewhere with this, just rambling, bitching, and ranting?  Nope.  Not this time.

I have been a bit more free with information on my status updates, posts and notes on Facebook.  Just like with this post, I use a service called Posterous which takes one post and sends it to Facebook, Twitter, LiveJournal, Tumblr, Google Buzz, and Blogspot.  I have people who read my posts in each of those services, and I don't want to have to repost 6 times every time I wanna say Boo.

I also have it set up where anything that I mark as "Favorite" on YouTube gets posted on Facebook.  Sometimes I forget that, which is where my grief begins. 

It seems that some of my posts that make it clear that I'm Gay and/or an Atheist have ruffled some feathers, and I get messages from folks telling me such.  Of course, rather than post a direct comment to the post itself, I get messages in my mailbox of my various outlets. 

Apparently, I'm rubbing my sexuality people's faces, and doing everything I can to disrespect religion and hate on Christianity.

In the last 6 months, this sort of correspondence has happened three times, and this last time, I snapped.

Rather than go through my usual spiel of apologizing without really apologizing, I simply replied, "I really don't care that you are offended.  I just wish you would be so *quietly*."

As I hit Send, without the usual hesitation when I am sending something that might cause me grief later, I realized that everything is starting to catch up to me.  The isolation, the restraint, and the feeling of not belonging in this city is starting to really really get to me.  And I don't know how to fix it without causing other problems for myself.

In fact, whenever I try to think this through and I ask myself how I can help the situation, my only response is, "..."

Yeah....I'm saying it to myself now.

3.  The Office

I have been contracted to work part time on evenings and weekends to do maintenance on computers in an office here in town.  I have a list of duties and a limit on hours, and other than that, I can work whenever I want, as little as I want.  Being a computer/video game/gaming geek, I can always use extra money so I'm doing what I can, when I can, how I can.  In fact, last night I put in 5 hours, working late trying to get Service Pack 3 installed on a computer that should have had it done ages ago.  I'm going to be spending the next couple of months playing catchup, getting all 50 computers up to date before I can even start on the real work that is supposed to happen.

4.  Godspell

I got a text from Lora, a director I have worked with before, telling me that she had a bit of a mess going on with the production of "Godspell", which she just held auditions for.  She had only 9 of the 10 spots filled, and she needed someone to come in to fill in the empty slot.

With the recent Computer Maintenance contract, my plate was full as it was, but when I heard that the role she was missing was the lead, Jesus Christ, I sort of jumped at the chance.  Never had a lead like *that* before, and Lora sounded like she really really wanted me to do the part. 

It is going to be the biggest challenge so far.  First off, it's in Rushville, so this is the third theatre company I have performed for.  It's even smaller than Shelbyville and Greensburg.

I'm sure having a Gay, Mixed, Atheist playing Jesus, who is in turn dressed as a hippy type, is going to cause heads to...well, not explode....but cave in just before just completely melting back into primordial ooze. 

Of course, I could just save myself a bunch of grief if I just said, "..."

The other challenge that I Have is that the vocal range is for a Tenor, and I am more of a Baritone.  I'm lucky to have friends who are willing to help me make the most out of the range that I have, but I'm still terrified that the impression I made in "Into The Woods" will be completely shattered by a squawky, awkward, and broken voice every time I try to sing "God Save The People".

We will just have to see about this adventure.

5.  Market Days

I am going to be in Market Days in Chicago this year, rather than going to Gen Con in Indianapolis.  Believe me, that was not an easy decision to make because I still haven't experienced Gen Con except for just one day.  I would love to dive in and game until I only speak in d20 and I try to pay for my McDonald's with red glass counters.

Anyhoo, for my readers who live in Chicago, I would love to see you.  Of course, I'm not just there to enjoy the weekend (boy, that would be swell, wouldn't it?), I have things I will be doing, but I doubt I won't be doing them *constantly*.  I'll be in the downtown proper mostly, but if you are going to be at Market Days, let me know.  If we don't have contact info already, I would love to exchange it so we can meet up. 

---

Okay, the alertness from the bad dream just faded and it's harder to focus.  I'm gonna work on some other stuff now.  I have more stuff to talk about, but I want to do so with a clear head. 

Talk soon!

Wm--

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way