I Don't Understand Some People....

**WARNING** --  The following story contains frank discussion about sex.  I use bad language, make adult references, and give information about myself that some might rather not know.  In short, it's a very naughty post, and if you don't like naughty posts, then you should skip.  Thanks, and have a nice day!

I swear I don't understand some people sometimes.  I realize that in this age; the age of the internet, free information, anonymity, and open mindedness, nothing should surprise me anymore.  Please keep in mind that the following story is not odd because of the request, but the conversation that followed.

I was working on the podcast, and I had one of my chat programs up and running.  I received a message from someone that was a real person, saying Hi. 

I responded back.  It was a nice diversion while I worked, and I'm always up for conversation, especially when it comes out of the blue, even if it is in such hostile waters as the internet.

After my response, I received a notice asking me if I wanted to accept a picture file.  I declined, not really sure what the deal was.  At least not yet.

"Please accept the picture.  You will like it." I read.  Actually, what I saw was "PLZ HIT ACEPT!!!  HOT PIC!!!  U WLL LKE IT!"  For the sake of clarity, I am going to clean up the juvenile script. 

I asked what the picture was, losing hope that this was going to be a legitimate conversation.  For all I knew at this point, I was talking to a bot, just waiting to infect my computer with some sort of virus.

"You are gay, right?" came next, and now my suspicions were on high alert.

"Um...yeah.  So?" I typed.

"Do you like to suck dick?" I read.  (Believe me when I say, that you will all appreciate the fact that I not only cleaned up the grammar, but I shortened the question.  I almost needed a rosetta stone.)

I frowned, and typed, "Where is this conversation going?  It's starting to get rude."

"Sorry," was the response, "I'm new to this."

I sighed and typed, "Fine.  Let's start over.  What is your name?  I'm William.  Pleased to meet you."  I find that being polite at a time like this is the quickest way to find out what is wanted of me.  I've been chatting online for *years*.

"I'm Beth." she typed. 

You would be to think that since I have been on the internet for years, that nothing would confound me.  But this isn't true.  In fact, it's the total opposite. Now that almost anything is possible on the internet, it is very easy for my mind to take one path, only to have it derail completely.

I took a breath, podcast forgotten for the moment, and responded, "Hello Beth.  How can I help you?"

"I need you to suck my husband's dick." she said.  Then, as an afterthought, she typed, "Please."

Okay, while I'm not familiar with this territory, I can at least understand what is going on.

"You *need* me to?" I asked, almost jokingly.

There was a pause, then, "Yes."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"Because I won't do it." she replied.

She gained a point for honesty.  Lost two points for not giving head. 

I started to ask why she didn't, but then thought better of it. 

Instead, I asked, "Why me?"

"Because he likes his men African American." she typed.  Again, consider yourself lucky I didn't just cut and paste that response.  While it wasn't racist, it was rather crude.  In case you are curious, she used the word "Juicy". 

I had to pause for a moment, then I carefully responded, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that won't be possible."  I had to be careful, since this was rejection by proxy, something you usually only find in high school.

"Why not?!" she responded, seeming quite irritable.

"Well, are you from around here?" I asked.

"Batesville." she typed.

"Okay, first off, that's quite a ways for me to drive." I said.

"Well, it says in your profile that you are in an open relationship!" she typed.  This was in all caps, an uncomfortable script I hate using more than once, even if I am just relaying information.

"Secondly, just because I'm in an open relationship doesn't mean I will fuck just anyone, at any time, for any reason." I said, feeling a bit put off at having to argue my way out of this.  I didn't want to just block her, that isn't my way, but she was...

"Oh, you can't fuck him.  I won't let that happen.  He's bad about that.  That's why I have to be there!"

This was, by far, the most difficult translation I had to make.  Not because the words were all abbreviated, some words left out altogether, but because the response was so out there that my brain couldn't put together what she was trying to say.  This was a lot of fucked up information all compacted into several abbreviated, fractured sentences sans punctuation.

Once I figured it out, I typed, "Which brings me to the third reason...."

I'm no prude, but I have to draw a line.  There was no way in hell I was going to drive 45 minutes to suck a strange dick while his woman hovers over me making sure I don't go near his asshole with anything phallic.  To be honest, meeting up with people online has long since lost its excitement.  It's just not something I do anymore.

But what this woman was asking me was just...odd.  Not the request, but the intensity and urgency of it.

So, once I gave my third reason, she went off.  I mean, completely went off like a psycho.  She called me a woman hater.  She called me a fag.  She hoped I burned in hell.

Feeling as if I had let the conversation go too long, I blocked her and closed the chat program.

For those reading this that think that something like this doesn't happen, think again.  If you think that the internet brought this sort of thing along, *really* think again.  This shit has been going on since people started fucking, it's just the internet has made it much much easier to do so with very little risk. 

I got back to my podcast, shaking my head at the absurdity of it all.

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