Thinky About My Happy

It's the middle of the night, and I'm still at my computer too thinky to sleep.  That's right.  Thinky. Don't bother looking it up, because you aren't going to find it.  It isn't a word, but it should be.

I'm thinky and it's all about finding my Happy.  No, Happy isn't a noun, but it should be.

Finding my Happy isn't difficult, but getting the Happy right the first time is going to be a bitch.

That's right, I said bitch.  No one ever said I had a clean mouth.  Especially no one that I've slept with.

So, how can I find my Happy?  Well, there are several ways, but there is one way that I keep coming back to in my mind.  I think that before long, I am going to have to make it happen.

I need a road trip.  Not to anywhere in particular, but a road trip.  The kind of road trip where I'm pretty to explore, and talk, and find places and people who are very far away.  I need to rediscover that picking a hotel at random isn't the best idea, but then again is a great idea for writing a good story.

I need to find a restaurant that should totally be on a TV show, but will never be on one because they have three channels, a land line telephone, and no internet.  They *do*, however, have killer ribs, and a mean potato salad.

I need to find a bar that considers a Kamakaze a cocktail, with patrons who aren't afraid to laugh about anything and everything.

I need to do a roadkill count while driving down a stretch of road, while at the same time hoping that there will be a gas station soon.

I need to sleep in the back seat while someone else takes over for a while.

I need to make up stories of people I am passing on the road.  I need to make up stories about the people I am riding with.  I just need to make up stories.

I need people to give me shit for always having my nose pressed into my PSP or Nintendo DS while passing by "beautiful" scenery.

I need a destination that can have so many possibilities that I am almost frozen with indecision.  A destination with colorful people who aren't afraid to tell me their Story.  I need to look forward to that. 

I need to take a bazillion pictures with only half of them being focus, and only half of those being any good.  I want to keep them all because they are memories that are clear in my mind.

I need to blog from the road about things I've seen, the people I've met, and the gas I am wasting.  I'll probably make commentary that if BP can get away with it, so can I.  I'm not killing wildlife, however, just time.

I need go 5 miles an hour above the speed limit to catch up to the hottie with the HRC sticker on his back bumper.  I need to go 10 miles an hour to get his attention and say Woof!

I need to call my mother, and hear her gasp as she discovers where I'm at.  She won't know where it is on the map exactly, but it will sound really really far away.  It would be better if a cow would moo, or a train would pass by. 

I need to listen to an audiobook for longer than 10 minutes. I want to be so lost in the story that miles pass and I'm not even aware of it.

I need to have the kind of discussion with friends that you only have in close quarters in a vehicle after being in it for a few hours.  Raw, reckless conversation where you learn things by getting a bit irritated, and knowing you are doing the same to everyone else.

I need to sing along to music with other people. 

I need to text my friends back home, making them glad they aren't with me, and jealous at the same time.  I need to send them pictures with captions that make me hear them laughing in my head. 

I need to create inside jokes that will live on until the end of time.  Inside jokes that aren't funny but to us.

I need to go to Wal-Mart in the middle of CousinFuck America, go to the electronics area, and watch confusion ripple amongst the crowd.

I need all of this.  I need it soon, and I need it without guilt or remorse.  I need to pull into my driveway, and be glad to be home, exhausted from everything that I've done, every person I have talked to, and every hour that has passed. 

There are other forms of my Happy, but this one makes a great reset.  A reset that will, in essence, give me perspective so I can find my direction again after being lost for the last couple of months. I have felt that my life has been out of my control, and I need to get that control back.

My Happy makes sense to me, even if it doesn't to anyone else.  I don't drink heavily, and I don't do any drugs.  I don't have a lot of options around here and I need an escape.  Life keeps getting in the way of gaming, and going to the bars is fun, but not an escape. 

Don't get me wrong, that isn't to say that I'm not happy now.  Saying that would mean that anyone who has ever done the happy dance at eating a food they love, or sighed contentedly when they curl up on the couch to watch a movie isn't happy themselves.  No, my Happy isn't all my happy, but just an enhancement.  A reminder.  A refresher.

So, I've been Thinky about my Happy. Now I just need to get the time to do it.  Not only is my plate full, but I had to get a second plate.  No one can help me empty it, I have to do it myself, because I piled everything on there myself. 

But make no mistake, this Happy, the one I am all Thinky about, is coming.  It has to, because everything else I do will be for nothing if I collapse as I sometimes do.  Not physically, but emotionally where I withdraw to the point where all of my commitments, promises and contracts don't matter to me anymore.  It's been years since I've done that, and I'm not doing it this time.  I'll jump in my truck and make the Happy happen happily. 

Goddamn right I will.

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way