365 Days Of Me: January 18 -- The Retreat (Part Six)

(THE BURDEN OF THE TRUTH)

"You ever skip stones?"

Gregory stood by the lake, eyes puffy from crying and his hands stuffed in his pockets, and asked this question without looking at me.  When we had arrived at the clearing, I had assumed we would talk as he requested, not skip stones. But, knowing that Gregory was already upset, I didn't press him.

"No." I responded.

Gregory looked down at the place where the water met the dirt and said, "There's a trick to it, really.  Some of it is how you throw, but that doesn't matter unless the rock is flat."  He got awkwardly got down on one knee and began searching the ground.

 I got down and searched with him, but as I did, I said, "I thought you needed to talk to me." 

"I don't know if I can." he said, still searching.  

I stopped searching and sat down, feet crossed, knees up, elbows on knees.  I sighed in exasperation, only because I knew what he wanted to tell me and I didn't like to play games.

Gregory found a rock, but I couldn't see how flat it was.  He stood up, and said, "You have to throw it so it spins sideways.  That's how it skips on the water."

He pulled his arm back horizontally and threw the rock.  Two skips.

"Shit." he said and I started at his vulgarity.  This was the same Gregory that once held my hands when he prayed over his food and offered his bible to me to read instead of Stephen King.  Now he stood here, swearing over the fact that the rock that he threw only skipped twice.  

He sat down facing me, and put his face in his hands.  I thought he was going to cry, but instead he just breathed in and out, slowly and methodically.

"Will you still be my friend after I tell you this?" he said, hands muffling his words.

"Yes." I said, not even thinking.  

He pulled his hands away from his face, which wasn't as puffy as it was before, and began his story.

---

Mom and Dad got divorced two years ago.  They always hated each other, but when I was born they *really* hated each other.  Dad didn't want kids, and Mom lied and said she couldn't have babies.

My dad started punching me around a lot, and sometimes Mom was there.  All she cared about was getting in trouble with the cops, so sometimes she stopped it.

Mom went to jail for 8 months for stealing at stores.  It's called......something I can't remember.  Shoplifting, I think.

Dad got really mad about that seeing that he couldn't cook or anything.  I didn't eat a lot then.  I was 10.

While Mom was in jail, a black man and woman moved in next door.  Dad got really mad about that and started calling them really bad names.  He started making me call them names too, sometimes when they were outside. I didn't want to, but Dad would punch me if I didn't.

Mom came home from jail and Dad cooled down about the neighbors.  

When I turned 14, I started to hate the neighbors too.  They had a kid, a boy, and he was always just annoying me.  Once, the kid came over and pulled the chain loose from my bike.  I was so mad, and I started screaming at him all of the names that Dad would scream before.

They called the cops, and I got punched around later for being stupid.  I think that's why I got punched a lot.  I was always being stupid.  

After last Christmas, I heard glass break and I went to look and saw the neighbors kid standing in his yard looking scared.  And he should have been scared.  He broke our car windshield with a rock or something.  I saw him, he did it!

Dad came to the door, and that's when things got bad.  Really bad. He went over to that kid and grabbed him by the shirt and called him all kinds of names.  Bad names.  

I was mad too, and I walked over to the kid and punched him in the face.  Dad dropped him, and kicked him in the side. I broke his arm.  

The kid's dad came out and he and my dad fought.  The kid kept calling for his dad and screaming, but my dad wouldn't let him come near.  

 I don't know what happened, but I saw that kid down there in the grass, bloody and broken, and I realized I just did a bad thing.  I don't know why it even happened.  It was just a stupid window on a stupid car.  

I ran into the house and called 911.  I threw up while trying to say my address because I saw that there was blood on the phone.

Dad and I were taken by the police.  The kid went to the hospital.  Mom came to get me from Juvenile, and took me home until they could figure out what to do with me.

Dad was in jail for a couple of months and Mom got a boyfriend.  He didn't hit me, but he did ignore me.  That was alright by me.

I went to court, and the judge told me asked me if I was sorry for what I did. The kid's dad was there, and I was so embarrassed.  I was really sorry, but I didn't think saying it was enough.

I said, "I wish I could take it back.  I shouldn'ta done what I done."

The kid's dad stood up and asked if he could talk, and the judge said he could.

The guy told the judge that my dad put me up to it, and that I needed a second chance.  He didn't want me to hurt his son anymore, and wanted me to stay away, but didn't think I should go to jail or anything.  

The judge asked me if my dad made me do it, and I told him about the time when he made me call the kid names.

He thought about it, and said that if I got help, I would just get probation.

I asked Mom what I should do, and she said she didn't care.  I wanted to stay away from Dad once he got out of jail, and I didn't know what to do.

We were walking out and the kid's dad came over and talked to me.  He said that he was still angry with what I did, but his dad beat him all the time too.  Mom went to the car, mad that she had to wait.  The guy was really nice to me after what I did, and he wanted to help me.

He......he.......

---

Gregory covered his face again, and started to sob.  I had tears in my eyes, and a great desire to reach out and hold him.  This was a new kind of desire, one that was unfamiliar and scary.  Even though I had romantic feelings for Gregory, that aspect of it was set aside right then, and the contact that I wanted with him was only to comfort him.

At first, his sobs were silent, but finally, after a long inhale of breath that was wet and miserable, he found his voice, and it broke my heart.  

This almost made me reach out, but I still held back.  If I hadn't told him that I was gay the night before, I would have been able to, but the fear of alienating him because of a misread sign of affection was so great that all I could do was sit there, watching his emotions get torn in every direction.

I looked around to see if anyone had heard, but the area was still, even after Gregory's outburst.  It didn't last long, and soon he got hold of himself.  

"I don't want to hurt people.  I don't want to be like my dad." he said, sniffling and wiping his nose with his forearm.

I didn't know what to say to this, so I just nodded my head.

Then a thought occurred to me, one that cut me deep.

"Is....is that why you are friends with me?" I asked.

He looked at me with apologetic eyes and said plainly, "You are my first black friend."

It was sweet in its own way, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

The hurt in my eyes must have been evident because he began to stammer that he didn't mean it like that.  

I wanted to run away, feeling that I had just lost the only friend I had at the Retreat.  I had a flash of anger and hurt that boiled my blood.  But I couldn't bare to leave him, so I just turned away from him.

There was silence, and I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I jerked away.

"I'm sorry." he said, "I thought if I was nice to you, it was make up for that kid's broken arm." 

I scoffed, "Did it?"

"No. But you are my friend now." he said.  His hand was still on my shoulder.  

In that moment, I realized what I should have known all along.  Chances were good that he wasn't gay at all.  I had mistaken his interest in me as romantic, but now that I knew his intentions were not what I had expected.

I turned around, threw my arms around him and hugged him.  

Surprisingly, he hugged me back, his strong arms taking the wind out of my lungs.  It was wonderful.

I pulled away and he said, "Does that mean we are still friends?"

"Yeah."

"Good."  He thought for a second and said, "When you said you aren't into girls, did you mean..."

I cringed and said, "Yeah, that's what I mean."  I thought we had already established this the night before, but apparently, confirmation was needed.  

"Oh.  That's OK, though. I still like you." he said.

"Thanks."

We got up and left the clearing. I didn't know it was the last time I would see that clearing.  After we had lunch, Gregory and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking back at the bunkhouse.  He had questions about me being gay, which I couldn't really answer since it was all new to me.  We spent a lot if time together, even during dinner, which was good.  

After dinner, I went to the cabin trying to come up with an excuse not to go to the Bonfire event.  I felt that the Retreat had done it's job and that I didn't need anything else.  But there was a lot of pressure to go.

Gregory made it clear that he wasn't going.  It was hard enough telling the story to me, but he wasn't about to through that with and entire group of people, which I completely understood.

In the end, it was Gregory that convinced me that I needed to go.  

"You missed all the other bonfires, and you can just leave if it gets to be too much." he said.  "I'll be here when you get back."

"What are you going to do when they come looking for you." I asked.

"They can't make me." he said and smiled.

I wished I had that kind of bravery.  

I left the cabin, and for the second time that day, I didn't realize that I was doing something for the last time.  The first was leaving the clearing. The second was leaving Gregory.  I never saw either of them again after that.

---

No one else at the Retreat knew the terror I felt when placed near a fire.  Being aware of this, I had to put on my game face and pretend like I wasn't beginning the long and agonizing road of panic.  My experience told me that if I were to explain why I couldn't go to the Event, I would be given words of encouragement and the advice of prayer.  What I really needed was comfort and understanding, but I wasn't sure if any of those were in that evenings future.

The bonfire itself wasn't as large as the one I had imagined, but that didn't change my outlook about the situation.  The heat radiating from it was still hot, and the light was hypnotic and blinding.  I just wanted to go away, but by the time I had convinced myself that this simply wasn't worth it, it occurred to me that I had no idea which way was back to the cabins.  I may have been next to fire, but at least there was people here. The thought of being alone in the woods was the only thing worse than that situation I was currently in.

All of the teens, minus Gregory, were standing around the fire in a huge circle.  There was some conversation, but it was muted, and it kept stopping abruptly every time the fire would pop loudly.  No able to help myself, everytime there was a sudden noise, I clapped my hands to my ears and wished like mad that I could just keep them there until this was all over.  

The Youth Minister appeared from between two trees, and I suddenly had hope that he had come from the cabins, and I could just bolt in that direction.  But there was doubt in my mind again whether or not he really *did* come from the cabins, and I stayed put.  Meanwhile, the fire popped and crackled.

As soon as everyone saw the Youth Minister, they went completely silent.  

"Tonight is going to be one of the most important nights of your young life. I want everyone to join hands and bow your heads.  We are going to pray and ask the Lord for strength and courage."

We did as we were told.  I had edged forward so I was completely surrounded with bodies, since the darkness behind me was becoming unnerving.

The Youth Minister began his most passionate prayer of the week.  At one point, he was in tears when he recounted how he wasn't worthy of the forgiveness he was given, but he was grateful for it.  When the Youth Minister began to cry, so did the girl on my left.  Her hand began to squeeze harder as she whimpered and my knuckles ground together uncomfortably.

I was still a little confused at how this evening was going to change our life.  The change I had hoped for wasn't in the cards for me, or at least so I had assumed.  I wanted a better home life, I wanted a better social life, and I wanted the veil of confusion about my sexuality to be lifted.  

This Event was supposed to change our life, but I had no idea how it was going to change mine.

After the Youth Minister finished his prayer, everyone dropped their hands and sighed.  There were sniffles all around me, but I didn't feel anything but fear.  

"Each one of us, and yes that includes me, has something in our lives that prevents us from being a True Christian.  We can never reach perfection, I'm afraid, but we can eliminate things from our lives so we can at least strive for it.  Thoughts of lust, weakness to peer pressure, failing to give glory to God for whatever reason, these things all keep us from achieving our Blessed Destiny.

Each one of us has one thing, above all others, that weighs heavy on our heart.  Tonight, you are going to change that.

I want you to find a stick.  Any size will do.  Just a twig or branch, it doesn't matter."

At first, no one moved.  Then the Youth Minister turned around and picked up a small branch and held it up.  While his instruction were plain enough, it felt like everyone was waiting on someone else to get started.

No one said a word as they looked around, and within second everyone had a stick in their hand, including me.

After everyone was still again, the Youth Minister continued. 

"This stick represents whatever it is that burdens you.  I want you to think hard about what the stick represents.  I want you to throw your stick into the fire, and when you do, I want you to call it out.  Anything that we witness tonight will stay here.  This is between us and the Lord.  Cast your burden into the fire, and the Lord will help take it from your shoulders, if you would let him."

I was afraid it was going to come to that.  The stick thing I could do, but I didn't think I could call it out.  If I were to call out everything that weighed heavily on my heart, the fire would eventually go out and everyone would be asleep.  I couldn't just choose one, because one burden seemed to be completely linked to the others.  All or nothing, as it were.

The Youth Minister stepped forward and said, "I'm a married man, but I still think about other women.  Lord, forgive me."  He tossed the stick into the fire, tears still leaking from his eyes.  It was then that I noticed that his wife was standing behind him, and she had tears in her eyes as well.  I had only seen her on a couple of occasions during the week, and I knew that she was the Adult Leaders for the girls.  Despite her tears, I couldn't really read whether or not this piece of information was news to her.  Personally, I didn't see how this was a burden, since there was no harm in it, but that was just my opinion.  

This revelation about the Youth Minister's Wandering Eye was surprising to me, but if he thought that it would make me feel better about my own burdens, he was wrong.

Teens started stepping forward then, one by one, casting their sticks into the fire.  They called our their burden, one at a time, and they ranged from heartbreaking (one girl had been molested by a family member when she was a little girl), all the way to shallow (another girl, heavyset, thought that her weight kept her from being a better Christian).

At one lull, the Youth Minister said, "Once you cast your burden into the fire, head to the mess hall for more prayer and guidance.  There are adult counselors to help you there."

That was all of the motivation I needed.  I stepped forward, my branch held up as if I were waiting for lightning to come down to give me power, and I got as close as I dared to the fire and called out the first thing that came to mind.

"I'm gay!" I called out and I threw the stick.  I saw where everyone was heading after they threw their stick and I headed in that direction, and as I walked, I listened for the next teen to call out the next confession.  But it was quiet, and I looked around.

Everyone was staring at me.  One girl who was standing near me was looking at me as if I were covered in shit, then she inched away.

I don't know why I chose to call that out.  To me, at the time, it was much easier to admit than the other stuff.  But I never thought ahead to what was going to happen once everyone knew that secret.  

I suddenly wished I had just called out that I was fat.  Or black.  Or anything else.  

I just wanted out of there, and I walked on following the teens back to the mess hall.

The walk was terrible and there were a couple of times I thought I had lost sight of the group I was following.  

When I finally reached the familiar cabin area, I began to walk toward the mess hall.  Then I changed my mind and I decided to look for Gregory back at the cabin.  I wanted to tell him what happened, and I suddenly needed to be around someone who didn't seem to judge me.

Just before I got to the door, I saw one of the 16 year old boys standing next to the cabin next to mine.  He was looking at me strangely, and I felt heat rush to my face.  I put my hand on the cabin door, and he whispered a quick, "Hey!" to get my attention.  

He waved me over, and curiosity made my feet move before my brain could tell me that it might be a bad idea.  

I approached him and said, "What?".  He took my hand and pulled me towards the shadows toward the back of the cabin.  My mind was racing as I tried to figure out what was going on, but that was soon answered when I felt his lips pressed against mine.  His hands went to the sides of my head, and I felt his tongue enter my mouth, which I returned eagerly.  

That was the signal for him to press his own body against mine, and we made out passionately.  While there was groping, there were no attempts to go any further than that.  He seemed to be just as unprepared for that as I was.

I didn't get the best look at this stranger, but I knew that he really wasn't my type like Gregory was.  But after a week of alienation and loneliness, which is what it all amounted to in the end despite the efforts of some, the fact that I had someone else to reach out to in that moment was a wonderful oasis.  While I was aroused, I wanted the contact more than I wanted sex, which was a new emotion for me. 

Being two horny teenagers in a moment of passion, neither of us took the time to see whether or not anyone had followed us and we heard the surprised gasp far too late.  We just had time to see that someone was running away, and fast, before we realized that we had been caught.

The other boy ran, but I simply stood there, alone and scared.  Soon, the shadow I was standing in made me nervous, and I walked out into the open.  I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I knew that the night was only beginning.

---

Word of our indiscretion spread quickly, and it wasn't long before I was staring across a wooden table at Todd, who was giving me a look of scathing disappointment.  When he asked me to sit down, it wasn't with an angry tone like I had expected, but a patient one.  For some reason, that made me feel even more nervous.

After a few minutes of studying me, he sighed and said, "Bill, I have no idea where to even begin.  Is there anything you want to say for yourself?"

"No." I said, and I meant it.  

Todd sighed again and said, "The Youth Minister is talking to the other boy, and we are going to get to the bottom of this.  What you two did was not only against our rules, but against God's rules, and quite frankly, I have no idea what we are going to do."

"Okay." I said.  

One of the Teen Leaders came over and called Todd away.  Todd gave me a look that told me to stay put, and I sat there for 10 minutes.  Then, the Youth Minister came back with Todd and they both stared down at me.

Todd folded his arms and said, "This isn't the first time we have had a situation like this, but it is the first time we have had something of......this nature.  In the past, anything like this was dealt with expulsion from the Retreat.  We leave tomorrow at noon, and had this been a normal offense, we wouldn't have bothered sending you home.

But, since it's obvious you can't be trusted around other boys, and we can't keep watch over you for the next 12 hours, I think I should just take you home tonight."

Todd walked over to the phone in the office and asked me for my number.  I gave it to him, and he dialed.  

My mother was going to be pissed.

---

A half an hour later, I was sitting in the back seat of Todd's car.  My bag had been gathered by one of the boys in my cabin.  I wanted to ask about Gregory, but it occurred to me that given the situation, I might not want to draw any attention to our friendship.  He was innocent in all of this, and he didn't need anymore drama.

Instead of getting nauseous, I began to get drowsy and I felt myself nodding off.  As I was drifting, I wondered what happened to the other boy and if I would ever see Gregory again.  I doubted the latter, and if I hadn't been so tired, I would have cried.

I slept all the way home.

---

I had no idea how much Mom knew, but she wasn't pissed when she saw me.  He was more concerned than anything.  

It was 4 in the morning, and Todd dropped me off at the apartment without as much as a goodbye.  He did wait to make sure Mom answered the door, and once he saw her standing there in her pink bathrobe, he pulled away.  I never saw him again either.

Mom asked me what happened, and I told her that I wanted to come home.  If she knew I was lying, then she would call me on it.  If she didn't, then there was no point in going into it.  

She asked if I was alright, and I said that I was, and I meant it.  It felt good to be home, and the thought of a hot shower and my own bed made me forget that a 5 hours prior, I had been discovered making out with another boy at a Retreat that was supposed to prepare me for my Adult Life.

Looking back, I realized that it had, just not in a way that anyone expected.

I showered, and Mom tucked me into bed, her look of worry gone now.  She asked me one more time if I was sure that I was OK, and I assured her that I couldn't be better.  

Per tradition, she kissed me on the forehead and left the room.  I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be, so I lay there thinking about Gregory and that other boy.  I thought about what Church would be like the following Sunday, and how long it would take for Mom to find out what happened.

I eventually did fall asleep, and when I dreamed, it was of Gregory.

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way