365 Days Of Me: January 14 -- The Retreat (Part Two)

(ORIENTATION)

The first night at The Retreat was by far the worst.  

Night has a way of amplifying fear, and mine was almost deafening.  It seemed that every noise was right next to my bunkhouse, and whatever it was that made the noise was just waiting to come in.  

Once it was lights out, I tried desperately to sleep.  But with sleep came dreams which I could never remember, except for the paralyzing fear that was left behind. After jumping at shadows twice, I decided that maybe I should stop trying to sleep at all.

I tossed.  I turned.  I tried to take my mind off the situation by thinking about the Retreat Orientation earlier that evening.

---

There were about 50 teens or so all packed into the mess hall.  Dinner was served, and I was surprised to find that it was rather good.  Every book or television show that depicted a camp always made the food out to be terrible.  While it wasn't top quality, it was flavorful and worth a second helping, if it was offered.

The room was buzzing with conversation and laughter, and it reminded me of a school cafeteria.  Instinctively, I found an area where I could sit alone, as I was used to.   I sat down, and began to eat.  

Out of habit, I didn't look around.  Back in school, looking around always meant that you would see who was pointing at you, and sometimes laughing.  I rarely found out what was so funny, and I tried not to think about it.  I just became lost in my own thoughts while I ate my food, trying to make a plan on how I was going to make it through the evening, which was already beginning to weigh heavy on my mind.

"Hey Little Guy, why are you sitting over here by yourself?" I heard a deep voice asked.  His voice had played in my mind so many times, on top of the conversations I overheard back at the bunkhouse, that I knew who it was without looking up.  At least, not immediately.

When I did look up, I saw Gregory standing there, smiling, holding his tray.  Two of his friends from the bunkhouse had gone to sit nearby, but Gregory made as if he were going to sit near me, which surprised me into suspicion.  He seemed like a nice guy, but was this all just a setup for a big joke down the line.  Guys like him always seemed to live to give kids like me grief.  With everything that was going on, I didn't think I had it in me to deal with it.  I would be on the phone asking for someone to come pick me up.  

I didn't say anything, and Gregory took that as permission to sit down.  He put h is try down, and I saw that he had twice the food as myself, or any other person in the place.  Of course, he was also the biggest person in the room, so it all worked out.  

Since people arrived at the mess hall in waves for whatever reason, we were placed in charge of our own premeal prayers.  It was a practice I didn't do openly, but more of a mental "Thanks" right before I dug into the food.  

Gregory asked if I had said grace yet, and I told him I had.  He started to say his own grace, out loud, but not before holding out his hands and giving me a look that told me he wanted me to take them.  I looked at his huge, thick hands, and thought that maybe it was a joke.  Then he said, "Please?  I hate to pray alone."

I thought this was such an odd thing to say that I did so without even thinking.  I put my hands into his, and found his hands to be rough and rugged.  I felt a chill going up my spine, and felt guilty for it.  This was supposed to be grace.

His prayer was stop and start, but very sincere.  He spoke simply, and to the point.  While he did, I felt myself becoming extremely aroused, and my mind began to block out everything except for the fact that I was holding hands with the big lug, and in public too!

He ended his prayer, and let go of my hands.  I pulled my hands back quickly, and went back to eating trying to rid myself of the feelings that were racing not only in my head, but my pants as well.

I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me.  My feeling for other guys wasn't new, but this was different somehow.  More focused.  More intense.  And it was during a prayer.  

For a while, we ate in silence, but he broke the quiet by asking, "So, how long have you been with the Ministry?"

I had to think about this since I had never really paid attention to that detail before.

"Um.....2 years, I think." I said after swallowing half of a dinner roll.

Gregory said, "I just joined a couple of weeks ago.  Got saved a month ago, and my Mom said that I needed to come here before I got into any more trouble."

"More trouble?" I asked, not thinking to mind my own business.

He looked down at his food and said, "Yeah. More trouble."

I could take a hint, and I kept my mouth shut.

There was a group of kids who got up nearby and took their trays to the conveyor belt that lead to where the dishes would be washed.  Both Gregory and I looked up as they walked off, and one of the girls waved at him.  The smile that Gregory gave back told me more than I needed or wanted to know.  Suddenly, my appetite was gone.  

Still smiling, Gregory said, "You didn't tell me why you are sitting by yourself."

"I just do." I said, feeling even more uncomfortable and hoped that my response didn't come off as terse.

There was a pause, and Gregory said, "Do you want to sit alone?"

I just shrugged.  That answer was too complicated, and I had enough on my mind rather than trying to explain it to him. 

Without saying a word, Gregory picked up his tray, and moved somewhere else.  I didn't want him to, but it was too late to change it.  

I finished my meal, keeping my head down.  I wasn't sure if we were allowed back to our cabin or not, but that was where I wanted to be.

I was just about to stand up, when the Youth Minister stood up on one of the long wooden benches in the middle of the mess hall and held up his hands.  In one hand, he held his bible.  The constant buzz in the large room swelled as the kids sat amazed that an adult was climbing up on a table, surrounded by kids who apparently were asked to clear their plates. The second he made his gesture, there was a quick and frightening silence.  

A handsome man, there was the expected swooning of the girls, and the quiet jealousy from the some of the boys.  I was neither, since he wasn't particularly my type, and while I wished I were more handsome, I didn't want *his* looks.

He took a moment to look around the crowded room.  Most of the kids were done eating and he had their full attention.  After making a full sweep, he smiled proudly.

"And here we are." he said, "We are ready to start a week that will change your life.  In the next 5 days, Sherri, our Teen Leaders, and myself will teach you what you need to know to survive in a secular world.  Truth be told, it's rotten out there.  I can speak from my own experiences that even as an adult, I am tested every day, and if it wasn't for the Lord's guidance, I just might have become one of *them*.  

But with time, patience, hope and prayer, we can give you what you need to have an easier time out there.  But in order to do that, you will have to look Satan in the face and say, 'No.'"

With this, he made a slashing gesture with his bible. 

"Say it with me.  No!"

"No!" the kids said.

The Youth Minister raised his voice and said, "Don't say it like you're saying it to me, say it to Satan!  When he tempts you with drugs, what will you say?"

"NO!" the kids screamed.  I kept quiet, but said it in my head.

"And when Satan tempts you with alcohol, what will you say?" he called out.

"NO!" was the response, even louder this time.

"And when Satan tempts you with premarital sex, what will you say?" he called, this time with a slight revulsion in his voice, as if this were the worst of all.

"NO!" was the loudest response of all, and when his smiled beamed, everyone clapped and cheered.  

I was glad to have a remote part of the room.  When it came to rallies and the like, I always felt uncomfortable.  I never just screamed the same thing everyone else did until I felt the same as they did.  Even so, I didn't want any drugs, or alcohol, and no amount of screaming was going to change that, or confirm it.  And as far as sex was concerned, I wasn't sure how I felt about it since I was so confused.  Did premarital sex apply to me since I couldn't get married?  What if I just fooled around with other boys, but didn't have *sex*.  Would that be OK?  With so many questions, screaming at Satan was the last thing on my mind.

By this time, everyone was pumped, and the excitement in each kid was barely contained.  Faces beamed with pride and anticipation, and while the Youth Minister gave a run down on the week's activities.  Even though there were many free time options, there were also a lot of mandatory activities that we all had to be present for.  Some were segregated by sex, and others were segregated by age.  Each day, there would be counselors and special guest speakers to help things along, but the real authority came from the Youth Minister, Sherrie, and the assigned Teen Leaders, who were then called out by name and asked to stand up.  Each of them were between the ages of 18 and 21, and had been to The Retreat before, enough to be trusted with so much responsibility.

"Well," he said with a sigh, "I'm going to stop badgering you now.  Tonight, Sherrie and I will be building a bonfire, and invite you to come out to sing with us.  We will have s'mores and Sherrie and I will be available for any questions.  If you don't want to go to the bonfire, though I can't imagine why you wouldn't, you can socialize in here or in your cabins.  Take the time to get to know others, because there is a good chance you will be relying on the later.  Thanks, and I'll see you at the fire!"

The kids clapped and began to stand up.  The ones who didn't put away their trays yet were doing so, and as I picked up my own tray, I tried to come up with an excuse in case anyone asked if I were going to the singalong.  No one knew of my fear of fire, just as they didn't know about my fear of the woods, and if I had anything to do with it, they would know as little as possible.

After putting my tray away, I walked out of the mess hall, and saw with dismay that the sun had almost set completely.  Fear gripped me and I briskly walked toward the cabin.  I hadn't gone ten paces when I heard Gregory behind me calling my name.

If it had been anyone else, including the Youth Minister, I would have pretended that I didn't hear, but something about Gregory's voice....

I turned around, and Gregory said, "Aren't you comin' to the sing thing?"

"No, thanks," I said, starting to turn around again.

"Hey!" he said kindly, almost playful, "C'mon, it will be fun!"

"I can't.  I gotta go." I said, and walked away.  I was a bit confused, since I was rude to him before, and now I was rude to him again.  But I couldn't really stick around, because then the Questions would come, and I wasn't going to deal with that.  Not then, and if I could, not ever.  I left my past behind, no one was going to bring it up all over again.  I would have rather died.

---

I brought two books with me to camp, one that I was halfway done with and the other as a backup in case I ended up with a lot of reading time.  According to the Youth Minister's speech, I wouldn't have a lot of free time, but I was determined to spend any free time I had alone and with a book in my hands.

When I read, I was transported into my own imagination, a refuge I would seek when I needed it.  As dusk turned into twilight, then into night, I needed the refuge more than ever.  

I was completely absorbed in my book when I heard the screen door open and Gregory walked in, holding a plate.

"Brought you some S'mores." he said, handing me a styrofoam plate with two mangle treats on it.  I looked at his fingers, which were sticky with marshmallow and chocolate, and realized that he attempted to make them himself, sans finger dexterity.  I didn't imagine that knitting was in his future.

I took the plate, too surprised at the gesture to say thanks.  

He stood there and told me about what fun that I had missed.  There was some singing, but really the focus was on the s'mores and the laughing.  

"You should have been there.  It was a lot of fun."

It was then that I realized that there was something wrong with this whole Gregory.  While he was a very nice guy, he wasn't telling me the whole truth.  I already had a mistrust of people older than me, and I was always on guard when adults were nice to me.  But with Gregory, it was somehow different.  His earlier admission that there was trouble in his past was one clue, but there was something more to it.  If he were just out to redeem himself for a past wrong, why did he pick *me*?

"Lights Out isn't for another hour, and the other guys are coming back.  Are you OK?" he said.

"Yeah, just reading." I said, holding up my book.

"What book is that?" he asked, looking at me rather than the book.

I held the book to him, title almost to his nose.  

He looked at the book, then to me and said, "I don't read very good."  He took the the large book and stared at the cover.  

He could read the title of the book, which was "IT", and he struggled with the name, "Stephen King", but what he was mostly focused on was the picture of the sewer grate, and the claw gripping it from underneath.

"Is it a scary book?" he asked.

"Yeah, but not really to me." I said.

"Why not?" he asked, opening the book and flipping through the pages.

"I don't know." I responded, and it was true.  I had never been able to explain it, but reading scary stories, with a few exceptions, were easy to brush off.  "How come you don't read?" I asked.

His face fell, and I realized that he hated personal questions as much as I did.  

I let the subject drop.  

Gregory sat down on his bunk, out of my line of sight, and began to rehash the fun he had at the bonfire.  I listened, even though I had already heard it once, but I just loved listening to his voice.  

It wasn't long before the other boys arrived at the cabin, talking loud and laughing.  The oldest boy called Lights Out, and it occurred to me that he was one of the Teen Leaders. If I had to make a guess, there was one in each cabin.

I almost asked if we could just leave the lights on and just go to sleep, but I knew that it would just bring ridicule.  Or, at least, I assumed it would.

I kept my clothes on, but the other boys stripped into their night clothes.  I tried not to look, but there are some forces that I wasn't mature to fight yet.

The lights went out and that was when Gregory changed into his own nightclothes.  I was disappointed that he chose to change when I really couldn't see him, but I accepted it.  I lay there, clutching my book, feeling the darkness begin it's mockery of me.  There was some murmuring, that chatter that is reluctance to follow the rules, but one shush from the Team Leader killed the talking immediately.

"Good night, Little Guy." Gregory tried to whisper as he climbed into his bunk, but with his voice, it carried anyway, and he got a warning shhh for his troubles.

"Sorry." he said, and then there was silence. 

Even though my fear, I smiled at the gesture.

---

Outside the cabin, I could have sworn I heard something moving around.  I saw dots floating in my vision as a bolt of fear slammed into me.  I felt the bunk bed shift as Gregory moved around.  There was more shifting, then I saw Gregory climb out of his bed and head to the door.  He went out, and after a few second, I could hear the sound of loud urinating onto the ground.  

Gregory came back in, and I could see him coming back in.  The darkness prevented me from seeing anything but shadowy shapes, but I could see that before he climbed back into bed, he checked on me. At least, he peeked at me before going back to bed.  I let my imagination do with *that* whatever it will. 

I looked at my watch, and saw that it was 2:30 in the morning.  Sleep wasn't coming, and I had given up trying.  Gregory began snoring and my thoughts began to race again.

The next few hours were hell.  Even if I did drift off into a fitful sleep, another rip of panic would jar me awake.  

When I saw the faintest glimpse of the sky beginning to lighten, exhaustion finally won out, and while the sleep wasn't deep, it was better than nothing.

The Teen Leader of the cabin didn't have to shake hard to get me awake.  I didn't feel like I slept at all, but the sun was out and I looked at my watch to find it was 9:30am.  I got about 3 hours of sleep.

It was the first full day of the Retreat, and according to the Teen Leader, there was a *lot* that needed to be done.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

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