This is F*cked.... (Extremely Not Safe For Work!!)

Ah, the internet.  I remember the days before it, but I don't remember them being this educational.  Not educational in the sense that I learn something useful, but I do realize how truly odd the world can be.  Odd by my standards, anyway.

Most of us who love to surf the internet have found things that have made us reassess what we consider to be fucked up.  My standards are much more tolerant than most, so when I see something that makes me say, "What the FUCK?", it's pretty weird.

Note, as far as any videos or pictures on this blog go, I don't deal with vomit, excessive injuries, and poop.  Those don't make me say WTF, but they just piss me off.  So, I won't be showing anything like that on here.  I hate that shit (no pun intended).

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The first item I found was this gem from some Japanese movie.  I don't know what it's called, and I don't care.  I haven't even seen the rest of the movie, I just saw this clip.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWBOWbAzfuM

This is fucked, and let me tell you why.

I'll be honest, I've never had an actual working relationship with a vagina before, so I'm not sure what all can happen with them, especially on a ninja.  Now, I don't know why the guy would be scared, given that his lover's ladyparts seem to be self cleaning.  My first thought was, "Hey, that's a neat trick."

Can you imagine?  "Hey, you wanna fool around?" he says.

"Sure." she says with a smile.

"Let's go to the bedroom..." he says, already feeling his pants tightening, "you do the thing yet?"

She looks to the bathroom and says, "Hold on, let me get into the tub first."

The next 10 minutes, it sounds like there is a mini washing machine running in the bathroom, all while the guy waits patiently in the bedroom, already feeling lightheaded at the light lemony scent.

Touching isn't it?  For all I know, that's how it works. And even if it doesn't, so what?  Not my thing anyway.

I'm just glad that sort of thing doesn't work on a guy.  If it went as it should, BONUS!  If it went wrong however.....we would need a lot more bubbles.

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I remember Picture Day at school.  Mom would put me into yet another turtleneck sweater and corduroy slacks, hand me my packet order form requesting the package we could afford that would have enough copies of the picture to last a traumatic lifetime, and push me off to school.

Had I known that costumes would have been an option, I would have dressed myself.

Now, I wouldn't have picked a unicorn like the person above, and I certainly wouldn't have a cat with me, even if they had been allowed in school.  No, I probably would have chosen the Invisible Man, or Vampire In A Mirror, or even better yet, a Pane of Glass.

You have to give kudos to this...person (I really can't tell by the hands, but I think it might be a guy).  And also kudos to the photography studio who took the picture.  And big kudos to whoever posted it online.  Probably the photographer.  This, right here, is a great promotional tool.

It says, "We will take your picture.  Come as you are.  Bring your pets.  We don't judge you, but the internet might."  

Seems fair enough.

Picture is still fucked up, though.

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Every once in a while, I wonder what parties are like when there aren't any gays around.  It's almost like that question of "if a tree falls in a forest, and no one is there to hear it...."

For years, this question has popped into my mind, and the following scenarios play out in my head.

1.  Party happens, people get drunk, and no one rearranges any furniture to give the room more visual appeal.

2.  Women show up dressed in hideous clothing, and no one even bothers to help the poor color blind creature.

3.  The air freshener in the bathroom goes completely untouched.  Once during the evening, it doesn't even get flushed and it isn't even clogged.

4.  The jello shots are all one color.

5.  Straight guys end up not getting laid.

It always gives me a shudder when I think about it.

Then I find this picture, and I find that the truth is much more horrifying.  I wish now I could go back to my innocence, what little I had left anyway.

Had there been a gay (or in this case, a team of them, because this isn't a job for just one 'mo), the guy in the blue shirt wouldn't be confused, because a gay would have explained it to him.

Guy In Maroon Shirt whipped it out, then wet himself.  Woman in Hideous Tye Dye, who doesn't have a cell phone, had to pull Mr. Tinkles out of his soaked pocket to call and tell her friends about it, who were just in the other room.  As you can see, the only thing she could say was, "FUUUUUUUUUU---"

If a gay had been there, he would have flirted with the Guy In Blue, taken the urine soaked sandwich from the Guy In Maroon and thrown it away, kicked out the Phoneless Woman for Clashing at everything, then beaten the possessed woman down in the corner until the evilness left her, followed by manicures for everyone.  

Once everyone was passed out, that kitchen would have been cleaned, redecorated, and ready for Mimosas and Omelettes in the morning!

But this?  Without a gay, this is just sad....

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I went to just about every recipe website, and I couldn't find one cake recipe that even resembled this.  Not saying I would make a Baby Cake, but I am saying I wanna know where the person who made this got the recipe from.  What other recipes would I find?

Puppy Pancakes

Kitten Knishes

Horse Hash

These are the sort of things, Baby Cake included, that I expect Sandra Lee will make right before they put her into a nursing home from the criminally insane.

Yeah, my hate for her is still raging.

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That's all I have for today.  Stay tuned on my blog for more random shit, because that's all I seem to have time for anymore.  

 

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way