No Shame

For a couple of years now, had a mantra looping in my mind like a broken record.

"I can't write about that.  I might offend someone."

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to do more writing, and the only way I can do that is if I write without fear, shame, or regret.  

I decided to do the 365 Days Of Me Project on January 1st, inspired by someone wanting to post a picture of himself each day for the next year in order to monitor his weight loss.  It's no big secret that I suffer from depression, and that I have some issues that prevent me from dealing with it the way I should.  My purpose of doing the 365DOM is not out of attention whorishness, but instead so I can look back on January 1st, 2011 and see who I've become in those days.

Of course, if people reading each entry learns a bit more about me, then I won't argue with that.

You might ask, "Why are you publishing this if not for the attention?"

Well, the answer is both simple and complicated.  Kinda like taxes.  The concept is simple, but there are many layers and exceptions beneath that simplicity.

My reason is simply put thus.  I am an entertainer by nature, and entertaining is a motivator to me.  If I were to put these entries into a personal journal that no one else read, my motivation would be curtailed eventually, because I am just taking information from my brain and putting them down on paper.  

But by publishing it, I feel that those who read it are at least entertained.  Maybe a few of them might gain a different point of view about things, and that's always a good thing.

But make no mistake, this is not a plea for attention.  I was once told by a fellow actor in a production that I was in that I don't have to work at getting attention, I could get it without saying a word.  I'm not sure how that is, but I wasn't going to argue.  I do find myself the center of attention without really meaning to.  

So, that being said, the project has already started.  I'm writing 365 entries about my experiences in life.  Some might be funny, some might be sad, and yes, some might be fueled by depression and may bum you out.  But I can't write with a filter anymore, because it isn't fair to me.

To those of you who read my posts who have *ever* said, "Ooh, TMI" about anything I have ever said, you ain't seen nothing yet.  I won't go out of my way to reveal more than I should, but at the same time, there are so many degrees of TMI with so many people, it simply isn't worth trying to figure out a happy medium.  I'm 36 years old, I'm gay, and I plan on writing about whatever I want.  I know that some of you might think of me as a funny guy who is as innocent as the driven snow.  I can assure you that is not the case.  

When I wrote "Gay Skin", that nagging voice that doesn't want to offend people told me that I probably shouldn't include the part about the handjob.  The common sense kicked in, reminding me that without that aspect of the story, there was no point in telling the rest.  I finished the entry, and I hesitated before I hit send.  So far, the response has been wonderful, save for one person on Facebook, who is probably reading this right now.

To you, and those who share your feelings, I just want to say that I understand what you are trying to say, but this is my life.  I live my life as honest as possible, and that honesty isn't always what you consider decent.  You are right, I *don't* have any shame when it comes to the past, because it cannot be undone.  Shame is a completely useless waste of time when it comes to the things we have done, especially when compared to using that mental energy to learn from the past.  

Anyway, that's enough rambling for now.  I hope that my project lasts, and that you can forgive any hiccups that I might have along the way.  Depression is very unforgiving, and this sort of project always seems to get swept under the rug when I get very low.

I still have no idea about what todays entry is going to be. And no, this doesn't count.  

Posted via email from Random and Absurd: The American Way