7 Days

I didn't bother to watch any television the day of, or the day after, the 2004 elections. I'm of the opinion that any updates you get about an election before the votes are counted are pure speculation, and I just wanted to know when it was over. But once it was over, and a victor was declared, I stared numbly at the screen, remote in hand, and my mind racing.

I'm not going to go on about why the election didn't go as well as I wanted. I'm not going to bitch, piss, moan or complain. My purpose for this entry isn't about what is wrong, but what is right. That's what I said, what's *right*.

Overnight, the country went from being somewhat conservative, to alarmingly conservative. Here, in Indiana, our new governor, Mitch Daniels, is the first Republican governor in quite some time. This change of hands is insult to injury as far as I'm concerned. Not only has the nation gone crazy, but our state decided that it too wished drastic change. And with this, the possibility of gay marriage continues to elude us. While sometimes it seemed that it might be possible that Bill and I could get married in our lifetime, in one quick election, those hopes seemed to drift farther away.

So, how can I find any solace in this? How can I see what is *right* about what has happened? Well, during the last 7 days, I have been doing some thinking. Thinking about how in the last 4 years, the issue of gay marriage has been used to draw attention away from facts concerning an unpopular war, a bad economy, and a blundering president. I started thinking about what the next 4 years were going to be like, and the prospects looked gloomy at best. I, too, wish that Gay Marriage would become legal. I wish that Bill and I could, if nothing else, go to a justice of the peace, and declare our relationship to be more than just "roommates", or "very good friends".

Wait, I need a justice of the peace for that? True, marriage (or civil unions), would give us the same benefits as a heterosexual couple. But, truth be told, the pursuit of gay marriage is a matter of pride and finances. Pride, because we wish to be considered equal under the law, and finances because with marriage come certain breaks, along with protections, which would provide monetary peace of mind. But do we need these things in order to have a loving, committed, and most important, valid relationship.

In the last 7 days, I have thought about my own relationship, and how much like a marriage it truly is.

Bill is currently on the Atkins Diet, and it is a fact that the grocery bill for one person on the diet tends to triple, since meals consist mainly of meat, and cheese. Without cheap fillers such as pasta, mashed potatoes, and stuffing, a full meal can get pretty pricey. While shopping, I curse not only this fact, but that there really is no proof that this Atkins Diet won't have any long term effects. Growing up, I was taught that while it is part of a balanced diet, meat and cheese in mass consumptions would clog up your heart faster than you can say Pork Rinds.

While doing my shopping, I worry about this diet and how it might affect Bill's health. The worry isn't deep, but like a mental itch I continually scratch by repeating to myself that this isn't a permenant diet. Come Thanksgiving, he will fall off the wagon and get run over by any traffic that was following too closely. I mentally scratch that itch because of I don't, I suddenly have flashes of Bill in the hospital, and the doctor telling me that while it was a mild heart attack, it was only a precursor to The Big One. These are images I can't bear to think about. The thought of losing Bill is maddening.

While I don't have insomnia, I do have trouble sleeping at night. While I don't always have trouble falling asleep at night, I often have trouble staying asleep. One minute, I will be sleeping, and the next I will be wide eyed, heart racing as my body is reacting to some moment of anxiety that remains a mystery to me. For minutes that seems like hours, I lay there sweating and wondering what on earth could be wrong with me. When this happens, there is only one thing for it. I just roll onto my side and watch Bill sleep. Whether he is sleeping peacefully, or whether he is snoring so violently I consider stapling down the curtains just in case, there is something soothing in knowing that Bill is succeeding where I have failed. I wonder what he is dreaming about. I wonder if he's dreaming of me. Of us. I wonder if the neighbors can hear Bill snoring like a garbage disposal out of whack.

If I'm in need of extra comfort, I will put my arm around Bill. No matter how deep he is sleeping, he will often wake up, sometimes startled. But when he realizes it is me, he relaxes, his irritation leaving as quickly as it had come. We lay there not saying anything, just enjoying the moment. After time, his breathing slows, and if I'm lucky, so does mine. Once we fall asleep, we will probably drift away from each other again, but that's OK. We made the most of those few moments, and that's all that mattered.

Bill and I are as different as night and day. He is conservative, and I'm a free spirit. Think Dharma and Greg with facial and back hair. Bill often wants to redecorate with a country theme, and I love straight lines and contrast. Bill likes to listen to classic rock, while I'm a Hi NRG DJ. Bill loves to watch movies with explosions, firm pecs, and cheesy catch phrases. I like movies that will make me think, make me wonder, and make me gasp in surprise, not in shock.

These differences are often frustrating, causing arguments and tension at regular intervals. We both know that we shouldn't discuss politics, religion, or anything that will cause one of us to consider taking the other and slapping them heavily around the head and neck area. But while we don't have many in depth conversations about those subjects, we do talk. Hell, sometimes we crack each other up. That's the one thing about him, he really makes me laugh. His conservative nature keeps me grounded, and has often prevented me from making really bad mistakes. His disapproving stare makes me take a step back and really examine what I'm doing, and what I'm saying. While things often go unchanged, I at least have a new perspective, regardless of whether or not I agree with it. A wise man once told me that if you learn from it, it is valuable.

I, on the other hand, give him perspectives as well. Bill has been forced to take the world more seriously than is necessary, and I think I do a good job at showing him the silly side of life. Sometimes, a situation will occur, and Bill will want to desperately treat it like something bad, but I am always there to show the good in it. Once, while driving home from Louisville, KY, my Nissan completely bit the dust, and we waited for several hours for our friends to pick us up at a County Style Truck Stop eating at the buffet and playing cards. Bill really wanted to focus on the fact that the car died. But I kept reminding him that the car was probably completely dead, and that situation wasn't going to change. I told him to shut up, it was his play, and this was the first time in a very long time that we spent a meal sitting together and talking. Over the course of the last 7 years, he has begun to see these things on his own, without my having to say anything.

Even though the election didn't go the way that I had planned, even though the result of this election only means that gay marriage will be postponed that much longer, and even though the acceptance of gays and lesbians in Indiana seems that much farther away, I still can't help but smile. Not even the thought of paying more in taxes, or the thought of having to hire a lawyer to write up special wills, or even the thought of what will happen to one of us if, knock on wood, something whould happen to the other can wipe that smile away. Nothing can. Because no matter how much we are discriminated against, and no matter how much we get spit in the face for declaring our love for each other, that love will always exist. Our relationship will not change, at least not at its core, whether we have a marriage license or not.

In the world of Christianity, it is believed that the world was created in 7 days. It is easier for me to accept that such a thing might be possible given that in 7 days, I realized how infallible my relationship to Bill truly is. And that means the world to me.